I Just Need To Talk

There’s been a shift, it’s within me, deep in my soul and my mind. It’s soft, tickles gently at the fringes and can only be seen from the corner of my eye. It’s not big enough to be seen by looking directly at it, no one else will be able to detect it but I know it’s there all the same. I can feel it, I can almost taste it. I know it’s real, I know it’s true.
And right now that small frisson of shift is my life buoy. I’m holding onto it firmly, willing it to grow and become authentically real. It’s exciting and it gives me hope.
There are currently aspects in my life where I feel totally out of control in, where I am not in charge. And the frustrating thing here and the undeniable truth is it’s all my doing. These are choices I am making, willingly or not, these are things I am doing to myself. And quite frankly I’m a little pissed off by that. Pissed off that I’ve put myself into thi8s position. Pissed off that it’s up to sort it out. And totally pissed off I feel stuck and unable to shake myself out of it and bring about the change I so desire.
So yes, I’m going to grasp that hint of a shift and trust in what I sense about it, what I sense it means. And hope to hell I get my act together and switch myself back onto the right track.
Trusting is this shift, believing this shift will empower it to be stronger and so empower me. And I want to be stronger, I want to be more focused, I want to change, I want to learn, I want to grow, I want to understand. I want!!!
So how in hell do I get from here to there? That’s a million dollar question for sure. And in this moment I’m seriously “effed” off. But what I do know is I’ll get there, after all not getting there is not an option.
I probably should clarify my current state of frustration and confusion with a dash of emptiness added in for good measure is not about alcohol. It’s not about drinking and it’s not about not drinking.
And that at least is a success.
And I am grateful for that.