The Thread is Unravelling But in a Good Way

I eat to fill up or fill in. What exactly I don’t really know just now. Perhaps an empty space I am afraid to have empty or a space I am afraid to face or afraid to simply let be.
Of course this way of eating isn’t healthy, mentally or physically and carries that kind of mental/emotional hurt we inflict on ourselves by way of self recrimination. And just like when I drank this seemingly uncontrolled eating erodes at my being. It’s not a healthy way to deal with things but it is a form of dealing.
I sit on the couch. For a moment I sit down and then I watch a little telly and suddenly I realise I am stuck there. And then I feel bad, lazy, guilty. And then the ‘I shoulds’ arrive along with their cousins ‘I need to’s’.
I want to get up. I know I will be better for getting up but my butt simply refuses to shift and incredibly in this situation my body takes it lead from my butt and so we all sit feeling a little stupid and a little sad about it.
There is so much I want to do, that I could be doing. Hell, I’ve certainly got the time to do anything and everything I want and yet I plant my butt squarely on that couch and then struggle to get up and move again.
Not all the time of course or even all day but mostly for a bit every day. The key here is that I do move. I do get up.
I have this incredible gift of time and I want so much to be using it better, more constructively and more purposefully.
The thing is I do have wonderfully active days. Days where come the end of it I feel satisfaction. Days where I’m buzzing from what I’ve done, thought, seen, learnt and achieved.
I love this life I have right now. I love who I am [mostly] and who I am becoming. I am so blessed in so many ways.
So it’s up to me to work through my down funks. I have the power, the ability, the knowledge and the wisdom to do so.
That is my challenge, that is the path I am now walking, that is part of my journey. Right now I feel a little like I am treading water, waiting.
I wish it was easier, I wish I could just wish it better and it was so. But life’s lessons aren’t like that, they don’t work that way and I know this. And I know that it’s the right way.
So while I struggle at times to love this body of mine I am determined to embrace it and nurture it as it deserves. While at times I despise myself for what and how I eat I am learning to work through this with love, acceptance and understanding. Each day I choose to find a way to embrace myself.
Being able to do that, being able to see and understand me, being able to learn to love me and then finding the joy and peace in me as I grow is the gift I’ve received since I choose to stop drinking and I choose life here at the farm. That moment was my first real success for self.
My drinking, though a concern to me, may not have been as heavy or severe as others tell in their stories, I’ve never considered myself an alcoholic but the moment I decided to stop drinking as a forever choice was an incredibly defining moment for me by me.
I just didn’t know it at the time.


9 thoughts on “The Thread is Unravelling But in a Good Way

  1. oh yes, dont we just love the i shoulds, i musts, etc. and beating ourselves up for choices we make. as i get older, i am trying not to do this so much. life really is bloody short. today i ate cake, lots of it and i dont give a monkeys. its what you do most days that matters, not sometimes. self compassion my dear!!!! you know how.
    love from Lisa


  2. I have the same relationship with good as I did with alcohol. I don’t over eat like I drank to extremes, but the thought process is still the same. Some say that its part of the addictive mind.

    Oh, I am trying to love my body too. I think approaching the mid 40s is a bit tough for me. But yes. Life is short. I want to be better and do better but not at the expense of my inner happiness, if that makes sense.

    Great post. Thank you. Hugs.


      • Yes! Love it. And I am definitely on a journey. We all are. As long as we are working toward bettering ourselves it’s all good. I am might not be doing it perfectly but I am not in the destructive cycle of alcohol addiction anyone either. And that was a huge hurdle to overcome.

        Thank you. Hugs!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I struggle with those same “sit on my butt” times, and feeling guilty about it.
    But then, I tell myself, as long as I get done what is needed it’s okay.
    I don’t think being busy all the time is a great life.
    We need time to do, and time to rest.


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