I’ve been penning this blog for a little while, well at least I’ve been mentally writing it but I’ve felt it’s been too negative, to mememe, too sad.
When I post I want it to be funny or uplifting or positive or inspiring or all of the above.
But the truth of the matter is while I am in part all of those things I am not all of those things all of the time.
I do get sad and overwhelmed and angry and I cry and everything totally the opposite of positive!
I wish I didn’t but the truth of the matter is I do.
And lately I’ve been riding the waves of a tumultuous mental emotional crisis where I just wanted to get off and stay off. Too tough, too hard, can’t do it – I guess you know what I mean.
Sick mother who nearly ended up in hospital, son got married –wonderful occasion, friend being diagnosed as doing breast cancer and having first chemo session and to top it all off –and I am really loathe to bring these things into it but there they are – full on hormonal party at my expense.
To say I didn’t cope well with most of that is probably an understatement, especially the hormonal thing – I simply don’t feel old enough for that to now present in my life.
But there you have it, stuff happens and I haven’t handled it well [except for the wedding thing of course]. I feel a little like my pink cloud which up until lately has lovingly cocooned me has finally burst it’s bubble and I didn’t see it coming.
That mean voice inside me head is right back there as if she never left and trust me she can be quite the bitch. I feel I’ve come so far to suddenly find myself in exactly the same place and that is so damn terrifying.
But hey I am still here and I am still getting on and laughing and growing and basically though I am doing struggle I am still going.
Because the truth is I am not that exact same person I was in the recent past, I am stronger and perhaps stronger than I realise.
Ego threw in the thought of lets just have a drink, if anything this deserves it. I just laughed at that suggestion, it didn’t even warrant any consideration at all.
And there you have it, another bonus of not drinking is being able to face the shit storm and go through it, hell it’s the only way to get past it.
It sucks for sure, it’s completely unpleasant but there is a definite power to being able to do it and find yourself on the other side, weary and heart sore but alive and well all the same. I’m not quite there yet but I know if I was still drinking I sure as hell wouldn’t be this far ahead.
So I’m doing sad and I don’t like it.
Hormones are kicking in and I bloody well hate that idea.
Ego is running rampant in my head and I hate that for sure.
But I am here, I am present, I show up and I am processing this glitch in my journey.
And I am still laughing and finding joy in life. [ego totally hates that].
So in summary life is as wonderful as it sucks right now.
Writing is a wonderful tool in getting it out of my head.
Thanks for being here with me.
Love and light