Going In

When you’re an adult, when you’re’ all grown up………..
Where do you go, where do you go when you are lost?
Where do you go when the way ahead becomes blurry, when your direction becomes unclear and you are standing still and everything else around you feels like it’s going in circles.
Where do you go? What do you do?
Where is it written that by age 50 you should have it all together? Because what if you don’t? What if what you thought you knew about you is no longer true for you.
What if the next step to be taken seems so huge, so unreachable, so damn scary? What if it completely challenges your beliefs about yourself, no matter that you don’t want those beliefs to be true. Sometimes those old beliefs are like old friends, there is comfort to be had in the familiar. What if you don’t know what that next step is? Or what if you do know but you don’t know you know? I live in the most amazing place with mountain views, native birds and trees, land and animals. I really do love it here, I really am home here. When I first moved up here people thought I wouldn’t handle it. That I wouldn’t cope but I thrived. I burst forth with enthusiasm and infectious happiness. I’d come home. Not even I realised it was going to be that good, I knew I’d be okay but even I knew it was going to be that wonderful.
I spent the first couple of years growing and expanding on so many levels of myself. I challenged myself and found I was capable of more than I ever gave myself credit for. Joy oozed from my pores. I quit drinking [3.5yrs now] and though it was initially a hardship I did it and through doing that I met this amazing person………..ME. We became pretty good friends.

Wrapped in candy floss and surrounded by fluffy clouds I thought I‘d cracked it, that I was invincible. I’d sorted myself out, knew where I was headed and the old me was from a bygone era never to be seen again.

But there is only so much candy floss to be had at any given time, the clouds parted and the old me returned from the dead. Turns out she was not so much dead but merely waiting patiently for that moment to rise. And she did not like the new me, not at all.

After a fierce struggle I brought back into her theories and beliefs, not fully but enough that the erosion of this new me took place. I am now out of balance with myself, either up or down but never sitting comfortably in the middle.

I‘ve got a really sore foot which is progressively worsening. It’s beginning to inhibit me from doing things [like exercise] which causes an intense spike in fear beliefs [like putting on weight]. I looked sore feet up, specifically the left foot, and ‘The Secret Language of your Body’ [Inna Segal] says it’s about being disconnected from your needs, experiencing blockages, bringing pain from past hurts through. Okay, yep I can relate to that. It also says that issues with the feet stem from moving in the wrong directions, ignoring my intuition, feeling confused-lost or ungrounded, feeling stuck, indecisive and the big one….getting cold feet about a situation. Hello, hand up to all of the above.
It’s no wonder my feet are crying out in agony from having to support me day in and day out with such a heavy emotional load.

So, where do you go when you are lost? I should say here that actually age is irrelevant as we are constantly growing , changing and evolving but age is something my controversial voice likes to throw in to taunt me.

Where do you go????
Inwards of course. And forwards.
Inwards and forwards.
Any action, any reflection sets ripples into motion. Ripples are good. They might be hard, painful, scary, tough but if they set in motion the wheels of change then it’s good.

If I am to listen to my body then I have to accept that my feet are sending me a clear message that things need to change. I need to stop with the procrastination games I frequently. I need to stop telling myself what I can’t do and start reminding myself of all the things I can do.

I need to stop doing afraid.
Or at least acknowledge the fear and do it anyway.

Where do you go? What do you do?
Look to yourself and then reach out for who or what you need to help.

I am still doing struggle with my body image, I am doing big fears around promoting my business [even saying ‘my business’ causes a sick feeling for who am I to even call it a business], ego has taken to floating pretty pictures of fun scenarios in which I am drinking, and my feet hurt.

I still live in a wondrous place that supports me on a deeper level.
The me that arose upon first moving up here hasn’t gone anywhere, she’s waiting for me to take her by the hand and run with her again.
I’m not going anywhere.
But I am going inwards, I accept the challenge to once again rise. To say enough to this shit and to take in hand the person responsible for all my pain, for reinforcing my fears.