I don’t quite know where to start and to be honest admitting where I’ve just come from is a little hard given how strong I’ve been doing. And given that that moment has now passed it seems a moot point to write about it but I get a sense that it’s all part of my healing to be up front about it.
So, I’ve been contemplating starting drinking again. Not proud of it but there you have it, I was seriously thinking I would have a wine. My wino self was not extinct like I believed her to be nor was she lying dormant. Instead as it turns out she was quietly rumbling away behind the scenes gathering arsenal and gaining in strength before attacking from the sides. And she had me, I had almost made that decision to drink again. Mere days from my 2 year soberversary and I was going to throw it all away.
Each time I thought about drinking I knew with a sinking feeling I would be straight back to where I was before I stopped, no slippery slope leading the way, it would be a straight drop. I know without a doubt I wouldn’t stop at one and before I knew I would be back to buying bottles.
But I was in the grip of a drink again net and I didn’t know if I could keep on saying no. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t tell anyway mainly because I was doing shame and guilt over it all. Besides as much as I felt compelled to start drinking again I didn’t want to. I should have come clean a lot earlier but I just didn’t want to admit to it.
So I struggled along silently.
Then one day last week taking advantage of a few minutes before I had to collect my dog from the vets I shot into the local library for a much needed toilet stop. It was never my intention to take out a book, I’ve got a pile here I am working my way through, I only needed to go to the toilet. However on my way out the door I deviated to the left to a shelf full of books just for a quick look and immediately me eyes settled on one book which I picked up and promptly checked out.
The book – Walking on Ice – has nothing what so ever to do with addiction, alcohol or staying strong. It was one New Zealand women’s story – a love story essentially – about an American man she met online who was teaching in outback Alaska. I have an affinity with Alaska, the place fascinates me and I am saving for a trip there possibly next year, so naturally that book had to go home with me.
And it was a nice read, so much so I have to now check out the next book. But it was this totally unrelated book that got me back on track and allowed me to reinstate my strength and focus.
How? Simply this women had some spiritual experiences and beliefs that really resonated with me.
When I read those I got very teary and I knew that’s why I was guided to that book. That was all I needed to shake off the drink again belief that was taking over.
It was that simple and that quick and that easy.
I needed help and I received it, in a way I didn’t see coming but which I am immensely grateful for.
The urge has gone and that wino self has gone underground again, well and truly beaten.
I can’t say why I wanted to start drinking again, I don’t really know but I didn’t and I know I won’t. I feel wonderful and strong and am striding forward again secure in the knowledge that even though I wasn’t there for myself God had my back.
This has been a good reminder that sometimes I should simply ask for help rather than stride it out alone. I would never judge someone for feeling that way but I did judge myself.
I am safe.
I am grateful.
I am here.