Impasse is defined as:
-a situation in which no progress seems possible
-a position or situation from which there is no escape; deadlock
I am at an impasse.
Two and a half years ago I left my job and moved out of town up my mountain [it’s not really a mountain but it’s 3.5k’s in and 800ft up] and experienced such amazing change and growth.
Six months into that journey I stopped drinking and experienced even more growth and insights. It’s been emotional, wonderful and so enlightening. I was on a roll and I was loving it.
It just never occurred to me it would stop. All this growth and enlightenment. But it has.
I am at an impasse.
I am going nowhere and I’m starting to stagnate.
I’m not stuck exactly but then neither am I gaining any ground. I’m not standing still for I seem to maintain a certain level of wriggliness but neither am I going anywhere, at all. No progress, no forward gains.
I am at an impasse. Damn it all.
The next move of course is mine, what I do now is entirely up to me. Well, that’s just great and all but it would work so much better if I knew just what that next move is and how I am meant to go about it.
Ideas flow in and they flow out. Some of which I admit have merit but I just stand there staring at them sometimes casting my eyes downward so these ideas and I don’t make eye contact because then I’d have to acknowledge them, even go so far as to do something with them.
Crap, maybe I am stuck, weighed down by uncertainty, fear and insecurity.
HELLO…Self belief, where are you?
So, maybe I am a little stuck here. One foot sucked deep into the mud, stuck.
I love that it’s up to me to work my way through this, I love all this self growth and I hate that’s it’s all up to me. Surely, just this once, a handsome knight can ride in on a magnificent stallion; sweep me up and with a single majestic wave of his wand make everything alright before sending me on my merry self enlightened way!!!
But as yet nothing like that has happened. So I sit at this impasse wondering what the hell to do next, wondering why I’m not sticking to my goals despite the best of intentions, wondering why I continue to self sabotage and wondering why despite what feels like my best efforts I seem doomed to repeat the same behaviours over and over getting nowhere and beating myself up because of it all.
I don’t know what to do.
Hello, Spirit Guides, Angel Guides, God……………………
I need a little help here…………………………
A somewhat lost and confused Gael