Impasse

Impasse is defined as:
-a situation in which no progress seems possible
-a position or situation from which there is no escape; deadlock

I am at an impasse.

Two and a half years ago I left my job and moved out of town up my mountain [it’s not really a mountain but it’s 3.5k’s in and 800ft up] and experienced such amazing change and growth.
Six months into that journey I stopped drinking and experienced even more growth and insights. It’s been emotional, wonderful and so enlightening. I was on a roll and I was loving it.
It just never occurred to me it would stop. All this growth and enlightenment. But it has.

I am at an impasse.
I am going nowhere and I’m starting to stagnate.

I’m not stuck exactly but then neither am I gaining any ground. I’m not standing still for I seem to maintain a certain level of wriggliness but neither am I going anywhere, at all. No progress, no forward gains.

I am at an impasse. Damn it all.

The next move of course is mine, what I do now is entirely up to me. Well, that’s just great and all but it would work so much better if I knew just what that next move is and how I am meant to go about it.
Ideas flow in and they flow out. Some of which I admit have merit but I just stand there staring at them sometimes casting my eyes downward so these ideas and I don’t make eye contact because then I’d have to acknowledge them, even go so far as to do something with them.
Crap, maybe I am stuck, weighed down by uncertainty, fear and insecurity.
HELLO…Self belief, where are you?

So, maybe I am a little stuck here. One foot sucked deep into the mud, stuck.
I love that it’s up to me to work my way through this, I love all this self growth and I hate that’s it’s all up to me. Surely, just this once, a handsome knight can ride in on a magnificent stallion; sweep me up and with a single majestic wave of his wand make everything alright before sending me on my merry self enlightened way!!!

But as yet nothing like that has happened. So I sit at this impasse wondering what the hell to do next, wondering why I’m not sticking to my goals despite the best of intentions, wondering why I continue to self sabotage and wondering why despite what feels like my best efforts I seem doomed to repeat the same behaviours over and over getting nowhere and beating myself up because of it all.

I don’t know what to do.

Hello, Spirit Guides, Angel Guides, God……………………
I need a little help here…………………………

With Love
A somewhat lost and confused Gael

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6 thoughts on “Impasse

    • yes that is a good thought aninsobreity, to be honest to stop seeking sounds a little scary but I can sense the value in it also. Thanks. Out of curiosity, how are you doing this?
      love
      Gael

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      • No reading books, no training courses.
        I’m trying to experience instead of teaching.

        This evacuation has been a big lesson. I have had to accept help and kindness and live with uncertainty.

        Somehow I know I’m ok. Just as I am.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. Hi Gael,
    I am sorry you are struggling.
    I go back and forth between accepting and wanting to change.
    Are you afraid that if you pick something it will be the “wrong” choice?
    Big Hugs!!
    xo

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    • Hi Adrian, wriggliness made way for some forward movement again and allowed some insights in which lead to more understanding but currently 2 very important people in my life are each facing significant challenges which will impact them significantly and while it’s not about me it’s having quite the emotional impact. Life is never dull for sure. SO learning and growing. Regards Gael.

      Like

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