I get it now, it’s taken me a little bit to get here to this point. A bit of inner reflection and allowing my thoughts to wander out of my control so the truth can rise up.
And rise up it did.
I am eating in a way that is counterproductive to my goals and so unsupportive of myself on all levels. And I couldn’t understand why:
- Why do I eat this way
- Why do I self sabotage
- Why can’t I stick to my plan
- What the hell is going on
And the answer was so simple; all I had to do was listen to myself. Of course the protective in all the wrong ways ego had to be silenced for awhile.
It’s as simple as fear. I am currently operating from a space within which houses fear. Fear sends me to the pantry to eat so I don’t have to actually face up to the fear, or acknowledge the fear or face the reality of that fear. I eat so I don’t have to deal.
And it’s that fear which has me thinking about taking a drink. That fear is allowing my wino self to raise a hopeful head.
I would very much like to be angry about current situations that are causing my world to rock a little out of kilter and hurting someone I love very much over a glass or few of wine.
And I get it, just like the food having the drink is just another way to avoid being afraid and acknowledging I am afraid and having to face it.
I won’t drink, I have the pantry contents to take care of that distraction. Bloody voice which urges me to eat is actually the same one that urges me to drink. That in itself is a revealing piece of information. Logical of course but sometimes these moments of clarity and understanding come at just the right time.
I just want to acknowledge I am doing fear.
I feel things are out of my control right now.
My life as I know it has the potential to change.
Am I strong enough?
How do I deal with this.
Easy and not so easy.
I sit with the feelings. I allow those feelings to air themselves and I allow them to be.
I love myself.
I accept things as they are so I can move forward from them.
I love myself.
I reach out.
And I remain firm and true to myself with the no drinking. I know better and right now it’s so crystal clear why I would want to be drinking – to hide from the truth and my feelings – and I allow myself to eat without judgement or condemnation while I seek to be more nurturing in order to alter that behaviour.
So there you have it.
I am afraid right now, of stuff going on in my life.
Even saying that my stomach churns with rattled nausea.
There is a piece of me that lives in my heart which knows it’s going to be okay. She is calm and resolute, accepting and trusting and she loves me with all her heart. I found her one day after I had stopped drinking. Turns out she was there all along, I was just blind to her, I had hidden her from me.
And she is me.
And I am sure we will be okay.
Maybe not right now or the next day but we will be okay.
I’m glad she is here.
I’m glad I stopped drinking because it allowed me to meet her and get to know her.
And I know that if I choose to drink again she will still love me but she will be hidden from me.
Life is wonderful.
Life is a blessing.
I have so much to be grateful for.
Sometimes it just feels like crap.
Together in strength and honesty