It’s new years eve, the morning of at least and I say bring it on.
2015 was to all intents and purposes a very good year for me aside from that little stress meltdown moment a couple of weeks ago which totally threatened to undo me. From my perspective when I was in the middle of all that emotional and mental chaos I felt like all the work of the past year was completely undone and potentially irreparable. All my gain lost.
Of course that wasn’t and isn’t the case. I was going to begin this post by saying I’m Back, unscathed and none the worse for wear. But that isn’t quite the truth. I have no serious wounds though I am still a little raw and bear light scars which in time will fade. And I’m not back, I’m a step further ahead from where I was before the sky fell in on me.
That dark moment gave me the most amazing gift by way of a lesson well learnt. I wish I could say I am alive with the revelation of it but I’m still doing a little wounded and shaky. I know it will make me stronger and I do believe that lesson is a gift.
I believed my world was totally safe and secure and all was well and always would be. Oh sure I touted mythical thoughts like something may cause ripples on the surface but hey I can take it. I’m tough and amazing.
Well something did cause ripples, bloody great big ripples big enough to create a massive emotional tidal wave and showed me my world isn’t as safe and secure as I thought. That came as a total shock, I was quite insulated in my thoughts and beliefs and the gift of that event was to reveal to me my world/beliefs/thoughts can be shaken violently but that I can survive it. Not only can I survive it I can keep on moving forward only a little stronger and a little wiser.
I’ll be honest here though, I did nearly cave. Hubs had been gifted a basket of Christmas goodies including a bottle of bubbly wine [potentially my Achilles heel] and he arrived home with it on a day in which inner emotional turmoil and hurt reigned supreme. I eyed that damned bottle up and visualised putting it in the fridge then eagerly consuming its chilled contents. I wanted that wine as much as I hated it. I knew without a doubt I was out to punish myself for how and what I was feeling and what , in the thick of it, I thought it meant.
Incredibly and maybe not so incredibly, I choose self love over punishment. I choose to nurture and allow my feelings and thoughts to be trusting in myself and a higher power that I would get through this and I would be okay.
Equally as much as I hated being in that space I knew I had to just keep on going through it. So I allowed it and lived it and hated it and I made it.
And I made it sober. Completely wonderfully sober.
This moment was the first real emotional situation that I’ve gone through at that intense seemingly overwhelming level since I stopped drinking.
I wanted to have that wine, I wanted to say fuck it all I don’t care anymore I’m going to drink because I can and life sucks so go to hell.
And I didn’t!
Essentially I didn’t want that nor did I need it. Because today as it was a few days ago I believe in myself more and even though I didn’t see it at the time I believed in myself completely then and I survived. Not only did I survive I am a degree or two stronger and wiser with an increased level of understanding.
So know this – even if you are struggling and it feels too hard and you want to give up or give in – that doesn’t make you weak. Strength comes in all shapes, sizes and colours. And those are just thoughts and feelings. What you do with them can make all the difference. Doing it is tough but I think not doing it is even tougher.
So now I have three bottles of wine sitting on my laundry bench and occasionally as my eye makes contact with them in passing I view them with bemused detachment. I don’t need them nor do I want them and I’m assuming my wine drinking guests for new years will oblige me either by drinking them or taking them home to consume at a later date.
2015 was my year of growth and I finished that growth with quite a bang. Big lesson received and learnt and I am grateful for it.
2016 is my year of expansion and I am excited to embrace it.
Happy New Year Everyone
With much love