And I don’t like it, not one little bit.
And that’s not a typo, I definitely meant ‘Oh Deer’.
I’ve had a tumultuous past few days which I am not responding to very well. The actual stressor in the scheme of things isn’t that bad and yet one could easily think so given my reaction to it.
I’ve found myself back in a place I thought I would never see again, deep within the bowels of myself. I’m in the deep dark place, that pit of despair and raining down on me are feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, fear, unpreparedness and insecurity. All these thoughts and feelings are manifesting physically, I feel sick to my stomach all the time. That sickening greasy worm crawling sick to the stomach feeling which is clearly the definition for anxiety.
I haven’t been here in so long that it’s come as quite a shock to find this place actually still exists. The past couple of years of my life, despite a few little ups and downs, I can say with hand on heart have been wonderful, joyful and I’ve loved it, loved my life. Being where I am right now has totally rocked my world right down to the root foundations. I am questioning everything I believe about myself, questioning what I believed I am capable of, able to do and I am questioning my very worthiness. My wonderful safe little world is under fire and I am ill prepared for it.
Or am I?
As much as I hate it, as crappy as it feels, I am open to feeling it. I am open to figuring what is the meaning behind those thoughts and feelings, what is going on when my gut squirms and my heart lurches. I am nurturing myself as best I can, offering up love and kindness.
I know this to shall pass and I know I will be okay. I believe it’ll all be alright. I don’t quite know when or how so I am committed to continuing to walk through it.
The reality is I want it all to be over. I want it to go away.
Life has other ideas it seems. I was trotting along thinking all was well so life thought lets help this girl grow a little more, let’s throw her a challenge and see how she handles it. See if she can see how well she is handling it.
And I am handling it. I’m not wallowing in it, I’m reaching out a little for some help, and I’m refusing to stay here. I’m not loving it and I’m sure I will marvel at awe in the lesson learnt once it’s passed. And I want the easy way out.
I maybe should add here in case you are wondering but no , drink hasn’t come into the equation. I’ve never once thought I need a drink [now put me in the hot tub on a gorgeous evening and I’ll want a bubbly wine but going through the biggest stress I’ve done in a very long time – not so much]. In fact I haven’t given alcohol a thought except to think I haven’t given it a thought.
What has prompted this little stress fest? What has rocked my confidence so much I’ve called into question my entire being, everything I have learnt and all the ways in which I thought I had grown.
The birth of a new born deer – one of the sweetest little creatures you will see. Followed by some very well intended but grossly mistaken help by man [and women]. Ending with one abandoned new born now requiring hand rearing.
Not that big a deal right!! People all over the world do this sort of thing all the time. And I know this. But I’ve never done it and it’s like being a totally new inexperienced mum whose baby won’t feed, at all no matter how hard you try. It’s been a huge struggle, and I’ve done so much worry and guilt. Our error was one made due to a total lack of understanding of normal deer behaviour and the belief the newborn needed rescuing.
It’s an amazing challenge, wonderful learning curve and I will look back on it with pleasure that we had that opportunity and that we were successful [hoping here]. But right now, I am doing the very best I can by this little animal. She gets lots of love and yesterday [day 3] finally sucked on the bottle. She can do it but won’t so I have to “encourage” her and when it’s tough I do struggle and frustration and feel totally inadequate and hopeless and useless.
In fact as I learnt yesterday from a wonderful man that we are now doing everything right. Fallow fawns are notoriously difficult.
So I’ll have to ride this out. Things are improving; I am improving but still have to ride that roller coaster a bit longer yet.
As much as I would like to give up I equally don’t want to. I want to give up because I want the easy road but I don’t want to give up because I want to do it.
I just have to find my way through.
But for now I’ll take myself and my new bad haircut [another story] off to circuit training, sweat it out in the gym.
Hanging in there together.