The last couple of days I’ve written – to my mind – thought provoking revealing posts very much about myself and my journey. I’ve felt strong and aware as I’ve written, learning more as I wrote them. I mentioned in yesterdays post that sometimes I’ll be knocked back down…..
Well, fricken heck I didn’t expect it to happen so soon or kind of at all actually. How is it I can be so in tune and so aware one minute and then the next I’m flat, feeling lost, confused and wearing my very familiar why bother skin.
I even debated about writing this. I want to be this amazingly together person who’s got her life nicely under control, even the unexpectedness that pops in from time to time. I want to lead the charge and show how easily it can be done.
After all I moved up the mountain, away from my suburbia comfort zone and I stopped drinking alcohol, successfully. I’ve shown great growths as a result of those two key changes.
But as I move ever deeper into myself and strip away layers my ego screams ever louder in protest becoming more determined to keep me in check and to undermine my new found confidence and self love.
I feel, right now anyway, that I am one step forward and a good solid one and half steps backwards. I feel like I know nothing, I am doubting what I believe I do know and I am questioning my reality and worth.
For goodness freaking sake, I wish I could just get over myself. I wish I could stay on the forward route and maintain a grip in the happy place.
But no, this is just not meant to be.
And I know part of learning and growing is having to face or reface some crappy places or situations or feelings but it’s all a part of growing – not growing up but growing in – and blah blah blah.
Hard to feel all the upbeat stuff when I just want to hang up my boots and retire. I won’t of course but right now I want to.
I’d love someone to talk to about this, not in the they will make it better for me [although I could maybe go for that just now] but just to be heard and even understood.
Tomorrow we depart the mountain for a family reunion, my family with all my aunts, uncles and cousins. Some of whom I haven’t seen in years. And frankly I am keen to see everyone with all my heart and with all my heart I do not want to go.
My “love you Gael” vibes are on shaky ground, I don’t know what I have to show for myself all these years later. I didn’t manage to lose that weight I had intended to [in fact if anything the way I am currently eating would be awesome psychologist fodder], I don’t have an amazing career and I’m not incredibly clever and creative.
I know this is insecurity of the unknown here, fear of what I think they may think and if I was to be logical I would easily acknowledge that some of who my family are and some of what they do doesn’t interest me in the least [not in a judgemental way, what they like and do is different to what I like and do] but I’m not feeling logical. I am feeling lost and sad and just a tad pissed off about feeling lost and sad.
But I shall wake tomorrow, write my morning pages [thanks to for that awesome suggestion] , feed out and get ready. I will stress about what I am wearing even though I like the outfit I have mentally chosen and I will likely do some keep it together deep breathing. I will seek emotional support from hubby but ultimately I will simply get my shit together and get myself along. I will talk and hug and laugh and most likely quite enjoy myself and wish I’d organised to stay longer.
Ultimately I know it will all be fine.
But for now, well I just wish…………………………………….
Together in Strength