Page 44 of Light is the New Black – my current read by Rebecca Campbell – is titled “Your greatest fear is gatekeeper to your highest calling”. Rebecca goes on to say that our highest calling is nestled right behind our core fear.
Hmmm, definitely food for thought there. So much so for me that I had to put the book down and contemplate this for awhile.
You see, I had an aha moment, an epiphany, a solid God slap upside the head. Well you know what I mean.
My greatest fear is ending up alone [whew I said it, out loud and I don’t think I’ve ever done that before], having no one, dying alone. Dismal heart breaking stuff.
I can’t see my highest purpose in all this fear but what I did see with sudden clarity is that what I fear the most is the exact position I have put myself into and further more that I am enjoying. My greatest fear turned out to be something I have coveted for a long time and desired to have and need to have. My greatest fear is what I need the most.
Okay, so not all the dying alone part although I do believe we are never alone when we die so guess I just mooted that point anyway.
What I am getting at here is that I fear being all on my own and yet I left my job and moved up my mountain to spend pretty much most of my time up here alone [note: alone does not equate to lonely]. I love having this time to myself, to my thoughts, to be able to potter through the day at whatever I choose. I love the challenge of being on my own and I like being on my own with me.
Seems obvious but I really didn’t get it.
So, what does it all mean? I don’t really know just yet aside from the pretty exciting fact that I do have a higher calling, I do have a purpose for being here and that is such a relief. And I’ve learnt that as I get on with the task of just being then this information will come to me.
One of the gifts of choosing to stop drinking has been the clarity with which to see things, not all the time as there are still some murky waters to wade through but when there is a clearing then there is clarity.
And what I have also realised with a sudden clarity again is that I am where I am meant to be going in the direction I need to be going.
It can be scary admitting it – that I am beginning to see my way, my purpose, my soul’s calling – after all what if I am imagining it or it all sounds a bit daft. All those ego produced fears that undermine the hearts courage.
The thing is I’m forging ahead and inspite of resident fears and doubts there is an underlying sense of courage and belief that is rising up gaining strength and height all the time enabling me to override those fears and to keep going, to keep exploring, to keep trying and to keep believing.
One way to undermine the hold a fear has on us is to say it out loud and/or to tell someone which is what I am doing here.
I have a reason for being. I am a worthwhile valid being. I deserve to be here. My life has meaning.
I may tremble as I write this and I may already feel doubt at what I am saying but on a deeper level, that level where it really matters, I believe.
Doing it Together in Strength