I’ve decided it’s okay to feel how I am feeling right now – I am doing hurt, rejected, wounded, a little pissed off and well yes I am also doing a little sorry for myself. [That last one is not so okay]. Acknowledging how I feel is okay, admitting how I am feeling is okay, it’s what I may or may not choose to do about those feelings which may also be okay or not.
See my dilemma??
So what I need to do is to step aside of myself for a moment so I can get my head and heart into alignment so any steps I take from here are balanced ensuring I come out of this feeling okay about and with myself.
Yeah, me to.
So here is a brief summation of the events leading to this pitiful state of woe. I was invited to a nutrimetrics party [this is a good thing] and encouraged to bring someone else along. I sent out the information extending an invitation to a couple of friends to join me. The responses back were very encouraging with a request to be able to confirm nearer the time due to possible commitments. And that………………………….was the last I heard. Nothing. Not a whisper. Not even a sorry, can’t make it.
The other thing that happened was I’d gotten an email from an old friend [long story here so I won’t go into in any great details] who said how she really misses having me around so I suggested as I was coming down the mountain on Saturday why don’t we meet at a local cafe for a coffee. Her response, very keen and if it’s not raining she’ll definitely be there otherwise she has farm related good weather commitments but she will let me know.
Bet you can guess where this is going.
Yep, nothing to say yay or nay. And for the record it was raining.
Now over this I am doing a number on myself, working on not beating myself up over it but the odd punch is getting through. The second situation gets me the most. I should have known better and I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get my hopes up. I feel really stupid over this one. I knew she wouldn’t get back to me. She says all these wonderful things to me and then leaves me hanging and like a fool I keep letting her do it to me.
I don’t know if I should say anything or if I would just end up feeling worse. Lots of scenarios have been running movie like through my mind but I know they are created from a pool of hurt and therefore come with a health hazard warning and thus should be used with extreme caution. Or most likely not used at all.
So anyway, I am working on lifting myself up from this sad little funk. I am not enjoying it here and it’s doing nothing for my mood. The party itself was very enjoyable and my darling little grandson was there and that little guy is my definition of joy.
I’ve turned to junk food a little which pisses my off also but that is my habitual fallback behaviour. What I haven’t done and in all sincerity here I haven’t even given it a thought, is think about having a drink. Another habitual fallback behaviour would have been to soothe my woes with a drink. After all I deserved it.
And a word to the wise here, it didn’t help then and it wouldn’t have helped now.
And I just love that it wasn’t even a fleeting thought for me.
Think I might be growing up.
So I’m off to do a little exercise, work off a little of that junk. A good constructive way to lift myself up.
The other way was to put it down in words and put it out there. Loosen its hold on my heart and refocus its position in my head.
So thanks for listening.
I’m off the puff it out on the rowing machine then hit the iced water with lime syrup in it.