Looking for the Lift Up

I’ve decided it’s okay to feel how I am feeling right now – I am doing hurt, rejected, wounded, a little pissed off and well yes I am also doing a little sorry for myself. [That last one is not so okay]. Acknowledging how I feel is okay, admitting how I am feeling is okay, it’s what I may or may not choose to do about those feelings which may also be okay or not.

See my dilemma??

So what I need to do is to step aside of myself for a moment so I can get my head and heart into alignment so any steps I take from here are balanced ensuring I come out of this feeling okay about and with myself.

Confused??

Yeah, me to.
So here is a brief summation of the events leading to this pitiful state of woe. I was invited to a nutrimetrics party [this is a good thing] and encouraged to bring someone else along. I sent out the information extending an invitation to a couple of friends to join me. The responses back were very encouraging with a request to be able to confirm nearer the time due to possible commitments. And that………………………….was the last I heard. Nothing. Not a whisper. Not even a sorry, can’t make it.
The other thing that happened was I’d gotten an email from an old friend [long story here so I won’t go into in any great details] who said how she really misses having me around so I suggested as I was coming down the mountain on Saturday why don’t we meet at a local cafe for a coffee. Her response, very keen and if it’s not raining she’ll definitely be there otherwise she has farm related good weather commitments but she will let me know.

Bet you can guess where this is going.
Yep, nothing to say yay or nay. And for the record it was raining.
Now over this I am doing a number on myself, working on not beating myself up over it but the odd punch is getting through. The second situation gets me the most. I should have known better and I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get my hopes up. I feel really stupid over this one. I knew she wouldn’t get back to me. She says all these wonderful things to me and then leaves me hanging and like a fool I keep letting her do it to me.

I don’t know if I should say anything or if I would just end up feeling worse. Lots of scenarios have been running movie like through my mind but I know they are created from a pool of hurt and therefore come with a health hazard warning and thus should be used with extreme caution. Or most likely not used at all.

So anyway, I am working on lifting myself up from this sad little funk. I am not enjoying it here and it’s doing nothing for my mood. The party itself was very enjoyable and my darling little grandson was there and that little guy is my definition of joy.
I’ve turned to junk food a little which pisses my off also but that is my habitual fallback behaviour. What I haven’t done and in all sincerity here I haven’t even given it a thought, is think about having a drink. Another habitual fallback behaviour would have been to soothe my woes with a drink. After all I deserved it.
And a word to the wise here, it didn’t help then and it wouldn’t have helped now.
And I just love that it wasn’t even a fleeting thought for me.
Think I might be growing up.

So I’m off to do a little exercise, work off a little of that junk. A good constructive way to lift myself up.
The other way was to put it down in words and put it out there. Loosen its hold on my heart and refocus its position in my head.

So thanks for listening.

I’m off the puff it out on the rowing machine then hit the iced water with lime syrup in it.

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6 thoughts on “Looking for the Lift Up

  1. Hi Gael
    this is easier said than done, but they are hurting you more when you allow yourself to feel like this. yeah i know, it s hard isnt it, but you will climb out of it in your own time. time to re evaluate those friendships?? get this: my Mother was around visiting my ex husband all afternoon at his house. i havent heard from her and she hasnt been here. make you feel better?
    big hugs my friend
    Lisa
    xxx

    ps so i went clothes shopping all afternooon yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha, no your mum’s choice of behaviour doesn’t make me feel better although it did do wonders on the last residues of self pity lurking about:). I’ve known that to happen before where the mothers of daughters have seemingly shown favour to the ex. In both of these cases the daughters have been strong and haven’t chosen to cry on mum’s shoulder. Does cause me to feel a little sad for you although more sad for her that she misses out on further developing her relationship with a daughter who is sober, strong and clearly creatively talented. Her loss. Trust the shopping proved worthwhile though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    As for my situation, I’m pretty much on top again, being down just wasn’t doing it for my mood!!! And you are so right in that allowing myself to feel the way I did was hurting me way more and they had no idea. 2 of those friendships are fine really, mostly it was just me but that 3rd???? Time to just let go, be a good person and be compassionate but time to stop beating a broken drum there. I do feel though the next time I get the hi how are you I really miss you email I will finally call her out on it. It’s time I stood up for myself and demonstrate the value in me that I wish for others to do so. Hope that makes sense.
    Anyway, here’s to us!! A couple of pretty cool chicks!

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  3. Oh girl I so get this. I had a recent experience with a “friend” (and by recent I mean it happened over a year ago) that I carried around like a lead weight in my heart for the longest time. I didn’t know whether to share with her how much she hurt me or forgive her and just let it go…so I did nothing.

    And it hung around for a very long time. UGH!

    But one good thing did come out of it, I was forced to really examine our relationship. As a result, I decided to part ways with her and with that, the lead lifted and I was lighter. I’m still hurt and one day I’ll tell her why I walked away but for now, I’m just happy not to be thinking about it and letting it hurt me over and over again. I’m just glad to be free of it.

    Good luck with your decisions, and for the record, I would have come with you to that home party. I used to be a Mary Kay lady and I know how important it is to bring someone so I’d have been right there with you with my checkbook!

    Sherry

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kiaora Sherry, thanks for the supportive response. Next time I’m invited to a home party you’ll be the first person I think of to ask along.
      Mostly I am over the worst of my mood from the other day, needed to really as it was dragging me down. There are really 2 situations at play here, the first group of friends I’ll get over, they have never done this before and it’s unusual behaviour for them. I have addressed it with humour with one friend.
      The other friend, oh ugh, crap situation I’ve never stood up to and so I enable her to do it to me and to get away with it. I want to handle this with compassion and kindness, especially for me. I think some of my inner insecurities are at play here, [I don’t have a lot of friends so shouldn’t I try to keep the one’s I do etc thoughts] but I think it’s time to simply let go. To not chase or make better or encourage here but to simply let go. I think though I will oneday address it with her, I’ve no doubt a situation will present itself in which I can do so. I want to be the good person here, the thoughtful kind person and that means applying those same things to me as to this other person. I guess I just need to be my own best friend.
      Meanwhile, from the warmth and safety of my home I will marvel at the storm playing outside, furious wind which blows the rain into a blur and highlights the little flakes of snow amongst it. Oh and pray no trees become the winds victims.
      Have a wonderful light day Sherry.

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  4. I would have been hurt, too.
    I think friend issues are the hardest to work out.
    There is one friend I still like, but she has hurt me a couple of times, so I am on guard, knowing it might happen again.
    Go slowly, think for awhile.
    I do know one time my friend knew she messed up, and she apologized a little bit.
    If it is a real good friend, can you tell her kindly?
    It is uncomfortable no matter what.
    xo
    Wendy

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    • Hi Wendy, thanks for your thoughts. I’m okay and I love the truth of that. I am okay. I think it’s time to honour myself a bit more and be up front with one friend in particular of my expectations – I expect to be notified that she can’t come – simple really and because I know she does this then I am forewarned and have within my power the ability to handle it better. Old insecurities lie in wait for moments of vulnerability to strike and that’s in part what happened. I so appreciate peoples thoughtful responses, soothes the hurts.
      Louise Hay says no one can hurt us unless we give them the power to do so. I take my power back. I know most of my friends are genuine and I am grateful for that.
      Have a lovely day Wendy, hope the sun is shining for you.

      Liked by 1 person

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