I realised the other day I wear my non drinking status like an official title. Important and ever so slightly regal in quality. I’m kind of proud of it.
I get a kind of buzz, maybe even a little smugly, when I say I don’t drink. It’s like I’ve got something special and it sets me just a little apart.
However it’s not always so fun and easy and enjoyable. Drying dishes with hubby the night before flying to Noumea I suddenly declared I might start drinking while I am over there. [whilst researching Noumea I frequently came across wine promotion, tours excitedly declared free wine in attempts to lure me in]. Without missing a beat hubby simply and almost with disinterest stated “no you won’t”. And that was it, end of discussion.
And thank goodness he said that like that. If he’d said ‘Can’t hurt to try or just have one “I don’t know what I would have done or felt.
And then it occurred to me I said that because I was feeling vulnerable and in turn that caused me to feel anxious, perhaps even fearful. I needed reassurance from him on some level that all would be well and that’s what I got. Thank goodness.
Now in 2 sleeps I am winging my way to Hawaii. Hubby’s work conference and like the good dutiful wife I am [well who wouldn’t be with Hawaii involved] I am going along to support him. This trip will reveal to the last group of people my non drinking status. I’m pretty sure it’ll be a non issue with most of them and for any of whom it could be, well, to be fair they don’t matter all that much in the scheme of my life anyway. What is going to challenge me is all the free and freely available wine, at all events, and all meals. Servers walking around with trays laden with flutes of bubbles. There is a cocktail evening one night. It’s so going to be in my face.
But I have faced this before and I made it out alive and intact. A bit shaky at times, certainly a lot pissed off.
I hate these moments, I don’t like feeling shaky and vulnerable. But I have learnt they will and do happen, they appear out of nowhere and sometimes when I least expect them and I wobble. So I have learnt to embrace these moments for what they represent to me.
They represent a chance to see how strong I am, a chance to see just how far I have come, a chance to see that even if I do waiver I am able to stay focused and to stay sober. It serves as a welcome reminder of what I have achieved since stopping drinking, it serves to remind me of my developing relationship with myself. I am reminded of my evolving spirituality and of what that means to me.
I love that I can stand up to these moments and stay true to myself.
I am excited about going to Hawaii but equally I am doing a little nervous about the whole alcohol scene. I can’t let this fear rule me [same as I can’t let my weight/body image fear prevent me from doing things] so all I can do is acknowledge it. Sometimes I put it out there and soak up the support that comes back because I am at least wise enough to know at times I need a helping hand.
So Hawaii here I come.
From snow to sunshine.
I live a blessed life and I am most grateful.