Actually need to back up a step here, I find the word fat offensive. For me it inspires self loathing, self disgust, a sense of failure and well nothing positive [unless of course someone is giving me a big fat cheque but that’s different]. I’m not sure why I used it in my title but as it seems to fit I’m leaving it there.
So anyway, fat I maybe although I prefer to view it more as a physical state of being that is not conducive to a healthy me. I could easily stand to return 10 kilos back into the wind and while I’m aiming for that it is definitely a flexible work in progress.
But you know what, despite my flexible body image I have gone onto do something pretty cool things in my life. While I may do a lot of emotional self beating I haven’t let this stop me from getting out there. Although I do confess to a few hissy fits on occasions.
I have been para sailing in Fiji while in my tankini [and shit scared to boot but I did it], I’ve been snorkelling marvelling at the tropical fish in said tankini, I’ve been scuba diving despite my fear of the deep sea, I’ve been biking in Beijing [and while that is so cool to say it’s a moment of madness I am happy never to repeat], I’ve travelled to America and Canada, Hongkong, Australia and some of the islands. I’ve sat back on the beach in Rarotonga sipping virgin pina coladas in mixed company whilst wearing my sarong over my swimsuit. I’ve still put myself out there. I go to yoga and circuit training [or was until I did my back in a beauty] with women of all ages, shapes and sizes.
I have even had many strong moments of feeling sexy, attractive and confident. I can still laugh at many things including myself.
I was at the movies watching Mad Max; Fury Road when the thought I am fat popped into my head and it was immediately followed by a very big BUT [please note not BUTT here]. It was like I had stepped beside myself to watch what I have done and to learn that actually I am a very capable person who despite her internal battles and fears continues to put herself out there.
To quote Sherry, it was a God Brick in the head moment, albeit delivered gently and with love but the message was very clear none the less. I am more than just my physical appearance. I have more to offer, more to do, more to be than just my physical appearance. I have already done a lot and have had some amazing experiences. I have made some incredible changes in my life and have benefitted greatly from them. I am becoming a more compassionate kind thoughtful person [I am far from a Saint but I can change my thoughts to be more loving which is totally super cool] and not just to others but to myself.
I would love to click my fingers and be slimmer than currently I am but of course that just won’t happen, I know because I have tried. What I am continuing to work on here is changing my thoughts from I need to lose weight to what is best for my well being. I frequently affirm I love my body, I accept and approve of my body and I happily nurture my body. Ok, so at times my belief in that is a little rocky but I keep doing it and the more I do the more I feel the swell of truth rising up and the flow of warmth that comes from that.
What I focus on and what I believe is what I will get and have indeed got. So I choose to believe I am slim right now, that I have a body to love and be proud of and when the boat rocks on those beliefs I will affirm stronger and more frequently and I will remind myself that I am more than that, after all just look at what I have gone out there and experienced.
Any change must come from within and that means it must come from us. So just for today be kind to yourself. Just for today be your best friend. Just for today flip thoughts to the positive side. Just for today list all that you have achieved and done and just for today believe it.
Tomorrow, well when it gets here just for today do it all again.
Much love light and laughter people.