I don’t know how many times over the past few days I’ve begun this post with a set view in mind only to have it change on me as I got all thoughtful and reflective so I’ve had to wait and see where this is going and even now I’m not quite sure.
This, by Louise Hay was shared on Facebook by Journey to Peace;
You’ve been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.
Although I didn’t know it at the time but the day I choose to stop drinking was the day I stood up for myself, finally. The first day I declared that actually I do matter and the first day I began the journey of approving of myself. At 48 I guess I’m a bit of a late starter but at least I’m here now and changes are happening.
Right now, I am living a blessed life. It’s not a perfect life but then if you were to ask me to describe what a perfect life is I wouldn’t know where to begin. The component in my life that isn’t perfect is of course me. The thing here is that I am now striving to be the best me possible, not the most perfect me because after all I don’t know what the perfect me looks like but I’m in love with the idea of being the best me possible.
Many years ago I threw myself away, as unwanted and unvalued as old dish rag. Because I couldn’t see the value and worth of me I couldn’t trust that who I was, who I was becoming, what I believed in, what I stood for, what I liked and where I was going was good enough. I’ve spent years looking for validation through the eyes of others. This was of being is soul destroying, giving others my power and making them responsible for my well being on all levels. Talk about trying to jump through impossible hoops to impress and be liked. There was never going to be a way where these hoops were a good fit for me, ever. Of course I didn’t know and I didn’t understand that then.
So I am on an upwards and forwards journey. I am in a good place and a good space. So it really rips my undies when I hit a greasy patch and get some major speed wobbles happening. It really rocks my world and not in a good way. And how can I possibly talk about these moments when not that long ago I’ve been waxing on about how well I am doing and the awesome lessons I am learning.
The fact is my life is made up of exhilarating climbs, joyful discoveries, heart moments as equally as it is made up of dark clouds, arse landings, ditches to trip in and just plain bubbles of sad. What is different is I can rise up again, each and every time I take a nose dive I rise up. Only now after each fall I am a little more aware of what I have learnt and how I can apply it. And that is rather exhilarating, uber exciting and deep breathingly calming.
The book I am currently reading talks about taking calculated risks. I know I’ve spent much of my life doing fear which I have allowed to prevent me from doing………..well often just anything. I’m doing a long weekend away with my sister in New Caledonia. Exciting, totally. And am I doing fear about it, hell yes! Is my fear logical and real. No, it’s a bit of step out of my comfort zone on a basic level and as I understand this so now can I work with myself to step up and carry on.
I spend a lot of time on my own and occasionally wanting to be on my own verses wanting the company, wanting the cool bestie to giggle and talk to with every day. I had that and it was wonderful but I understand that this is not what I need right now, not all the time anyway. I need to be by myself, I am here for a reason and I am where I am meant to be. I believe that the lesson I am learning here is that the person I most need to be with is me.
I’m beginning to really comprehend all the ways in which I do fear and how inhibiting that is. And I see how often I want to be able to run before I have fully mastered the art of walking. I have so much to do and to learn, I still have so much growing to do, there are old beliefs, patterns, behaviours lurking that need me to gently and lovingly nurture into positivity or to simply say it’s okay now, I am okay now and it’s okay for you to go..
I did major fear over no longer drinking, never ever drinking again. It was a very real fear and it was so HUGE. But I did it, I stopped drinking and I am only days away from my first year sober.
I look behind me and I have come such a long way and I look in front of me and I have such a long way to go. Is it daunting, well it could be but it’s a journey and this journey is made up of steps and each step is progress.
So I guess after years of criticising myself I’ve finally decided to be nice to myself and I like it. I live a blessed life, it’s a simple life but it’s a good one, occasionally it has thorns [or flipping wasps!!! Different story though] which sting and wound but as I’ve learnt they are survivable.
I’m not perfect but I believe I’m worth the effort……………………….mostly
“And if I could tell you one thing, it would be; You are not as broken as you think you are. Sure, you may have a couple of scars and a couple of bad memories but then again all great heroes do”!
Be your own Hero.