Hesitant though I am to even make mention of this for fear of being but a figment of my imagination it’s to wonderful not to allow it out into the open.
Within me and of me there is a subtle change emerging, on all levels of my being and though it’s only small it’s big enough to be empowering and powerful.
And though a part of me fears I have only a tenuous hold on it and that it could so easily be lost to me I am sure it’s very real, I am sure it’s very true and I am sure it’s of me.
It feels like little frissons of transparent bubbles that flicker colour seen out of the corner of my eye yet when I look it’s not quite there and so if I close my eyes I can it pulsing in all its glorious colour deep in my heart and soul.
It’s an awareness, a stepping up and into any given moment, to change what I may be thinking and feeling into something that is positive and supportive and self nurturing.
It’s a delightful feeling being able to flipside the negative rather than give it the power to take hold and erode myself. It’s hugely restoring to find the gratitude where I feel pain or loss or regret or resentment. It’s a constructive mental and emotional tool that I can take anywhere and use anytime.
Am I making any sense here? I don’t know. Let me give some examples to clarify what I am trying to convey:
• Feeling resentful of the people on the boat who were drinking and I was not became thoughts of why I am not drinking, of being able to truly be the healer I want to be and of the gifts I have as a result of not drinking, expressing gratitude at not drinking
• Turning moods of anger, sadness, hurt…around, testing the legitimacy of those feelings, checking in with myself on why am I feeling them and reminding myself of all the riches in my life and all that I have to be thankful for
• Allowing myself to just stop and enjoy the moment for the moments sake, allowing thoughts of ‘I must’ or ‘I should’ to pass through, just soaking up the joy that is to be found there
• Redirecting feelings of insecurity to feelings of strength by altering my focus and allowing myself to acknowledge that I do in fact have strengths and they are not subject to the strengths and abilities of others but only to myself
• Finding alternative ways to think and feel whilst standing in queues – waiting to go through security at the Rarotongan airport I recognised impatience striding through and changed my sigh to a deep breath as thoughts of mindfulness activities came to mind and I took pleasure in truly observing my surroundings, the blue sky and the green hills, the rooster foraging about in the shrubbery, the laughter of the people surrounding me and then suddenly it was my turn and I was through.
In that moment I suddenly realised I was doing it. I was being thoughtful, mindful. I was present in the moment. I was doing it!! I was behaving like a better person, I was being a better me.
Oh how sweet is the sense of inner progress.
And when I am feeling sorry for myself, feeling sad because of what I don’t have or aren’t doing or feeling left out or not good enough, real or imagined, I now hear the angels whispers and feel the breeze from the angels wings and know that I am not alone and that all is well in my world and I smile, a smile that appears on my face but comes from deep within and my heart sings and I rise up and I know that I am okay.
I am enough.
I am joy.
Mindfulness, I am really starting to understand.
I have done two very life altering things in the past 2 years. One was to move up here to this farm, my little piece in paradise and the other was to stop drinking. Both were choices I consciously made, I choose both for varying reasons and while there have been struggles I have triumphed in ways I never realised existed. I am truly blessed.
I am alive.
I smile and my smile grows, my heart fills and the love I feel right now I send out on the breath of the wind to wherever in whatever corners of the world and to whomever needs it.
And as I write this a hawk has flown past my window, so close I could make out every detail and marvel in it’s colours and the seemingly effortless way it glides. As it went out of sight a small white feather floated past gently making it’s way to the ground. And the shadow of the hawk flew over the feather.
Spirit, if we are aware, if we look or listen or feel, if we are open, lets us know they are there and that we are loved and cared for.
[May you have a long life]