Lying on the couch I glanced out my window noting the haze that had appeared over on the hills perhaps heralding the rain that would come again when I noted up closer was a wide patch of rainbow. Strong and bright. Almost as if a message to me, a beacon of hope to counteract my maudlin state of mind. I looked away thinking about it and when I looked again it had gone. But that piece of momentary rainbow had indeed done its job and lifted my state of being, maybe only slightly but enough so that I felt lighter.
A fellow blogger asked me very recently “how did I get so wise”, this was in response to a comment I had made on her latest post. A very good question, indeed how did I get so wise?? Am I wise? Maybe. I think at times I have pearls of wisdom moments. Certainly it would seem for her I did in my thoughts expressed to her.
But I wonder where my wisdom is for me when I need it? And if I can’t be a wise person to me then where do I go to find one who can.
I’ve hurt my back. I’ve done a pretty impressive number on it and in the morning it screams in agony, crippled in its pain. I have sought osteopath treatment with some success and I’m sure that given time it will resume its normal pain free status. I hurt it in yoga, believing I could breathe further into stretches to help relieve some tension but which my back clearly did not welcome.
And in doing this level of pain and in finding flexibility and movement, however slight, excruciating I find myself feeling very vulnerable, very weak, and feeling fearful. From this stems very strong feelings of having lost my way and of being alone. So very alone.
Monday I was on such a wonderful high. I’d spent a day with 5 other like minded people doing a crystal healing course which was relaxed and informative. I discovered I knew far more about crystal healing than I knew I did or would have believed possible and upon expressing this discovery the course facilitator told me that in fact I am a very talented healer. How affirming to hear that, how affirming to review the crystal work and healings that I participated in that day and what I felt and how I responded to that.
With an often rocky sense of self belief and faith in self I was reminded how much I am drawn to healing work on a deeper level.
But the next day I slipped off that high with some frustrating crystal recognition unsucess, I couldn’t identify all my crystals and my useless persona slipped itself on with such speed I almost hadn’t realised I had allowed that change in.
I know better though. My healing work is often intuitive and from comments received from the recipients of my healing work it is also very effective.
But there you have it, my life and my experiences are often a journey of ups and downs. Right now I am in a down cycle and experience tells me there is an up cycle on the horizon.
But for now I feel very much like I have lost my way again. Finding it beneficial for my back to pretty much do nothing has left me feeling useless and redundant. Never mind the logic which says resting my back is a constructive course of action and never mind that while I’ve sat around much of today I have also done 2 loads of washing, vacuumed the house, feed out to the animals and some general tidying up.
I would like to be a wise person to myself and in fairness to me often I am but for today, for right now not so much. I simply feel very alone and at the height of the backs pain I feel very vulnerable. I think some of that vulnerability comes from riding some amazing highs over these past few months that is comes as a shock to ride those familiar lows.
The rainbow was a beacon of hope, a reminder that there is always light. The goats racing to greet me as I went down to the paddock for their afternoon cuddling a reminder that there is always love. The dog that comes to find me to grin at me after her bath telling me about her adventures a reminder that there is a friend.
If I can’t be that wise person for myself, if I can’t be that friend I really need, if I can’t give the love and assurance I crave then at least let me always keep my eyes open to see and receive the signs of hope when they are sent to me.