I have a confession to make.
I think I could be in a little trouble here.
One of my wagon wheels got a little loose.
I could say I slipped up a little but that wouldn’t be an accurate summation of my situation as my actions which have lead me to here were very deliberate.
I should clarify here that I am very much still on the wagon with alcohol, wheels sturdy and safely bolted in place.
No, it’s not alcohol which I am immensely grateful for. It’s the energy drink V. I don’t quite know how it happened except that I do. I walked into the shop empty handed and walked out with a paid for bottle of V. I know that it doesn’t even rate in the category of falling off the booze wagon and so may not be taken seriously and I get that but for me it’s an issue.
I was V free for weeks now and suddenly just like that I have 3 under my belt.
This is not what I wanted and now through actions totally of my own doing for which I take full responsibility I am potentially staring down the barrel of addictive behaviour again.
And I know better than this. My reasons for choosing to stop drinking it haven’t changed at all and neither have the toxic ingredients that make up this drink. I’m not doing a number on myself over this, I’ve learnt that this achieves nothing and is more likely to ensure I continue with a behaviour or thought pattern I do not want. I accept the fact that I did it. I brought it and I drank it. And it’s not like I missed it or thought about it regularly and craved it because I didn’t but yet I brought the stuff and now have drunk 3.
So now I am doing fear I will revert back to unwanted behaviours where I can’t not have a V if I am down the mountain and this naturally follows onto the fear of weight gain. ARRRGH!
And I am fully aware that focusing on doing the fear will be the exact result I get and so I must [by must I mean choose to] reverse this thinking and behaviour to a place of forgiveness, love and nurturing with a focus on belief in strength and my ability to make the changes I want to see.
Honestly, what do I need to do to keep myself on board with myself. We both are working towards the same end goal. It’s on my mind to say that’s it, I give up. But it’s not and I don’t.
My reasons for writing and posting this is to switch power of control from the behaviour back over to my higher self so we can get me back on track.
I confess I stumbled, I made a choice I’m not happy with. Yes, I enjoyed the drink but on a wiser level I want more than those few moments of pleasure, I want more. More self love, more nurturing, more self belief, simply more.
And incredibly I can give all that to myself
I just need to believe. Simple.