Invisibility

I use to be invisible. For a long time I was invisible and consequently very forgettable.

At least that’s how I felt. I could be in a room full of people but no one would see me or I would be talking with someone and someone else would interrupt and in an instant I was forgotten, what I had to say irrelevant.

I was not seen, I was not heard, I was not valid, I was not memorable, I was not someone, I was not worthy. I was not.

So I put a lot of effort into fitting in, being what people wanted me to be or what seemed to be the “in” person to be. Simply put anyone or thing but me. I could not be me as I did not exist. It was a tough way to live, not tough in character building and strength promoting but tough as in emotionally crippling and soul destroying. And it’s a totally unsustainable life style on all levels of being – emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

But someplace deep within me it seems I wasn’t so invisible and that on some level I did matter. Deep within me, so deep it may have been beyond me, I believed in me or at least believed I was worth stepping out into the light.

In the last 2 years I have made some major changes in my life. I resigned my job of almost 9 years to move to our farm up the mountain where I have been re establishing myself and testing the waters of what I am capable of. I spend much of my day on my own. I know people had doubts about my ability to cope up here, never was said to my face but it was to hubby’s.

I also stopped drinking alcohol [I’m almost at the point of counting down the sleeps to 365 days].

Drinking really clouded myself from me, it wasn’t only going sober that has lead me to here but I don’t doubt it’s strong influence on my self enlightightment . Drink in the early days put on a very convincing act of being my friend, of being there for me and believing in me but it was all a lie. The drink was only there for itself and the destruction it subtly until it could not be ignored weaved on my soul was becoming increasingly wounding in ways I had to acknowledge.

The amazing energy found here on the farm surrounded by so much nature gave me the strength to say goodbye to alcohol, the only course available and that same energy gave rise to openness to come home to myself.

What a journey these past few months have been and it doesn’t stop here. I have so much more work to do on and within myself which brings me to my next new phase of change. I am doing ongoing frustration at my weight and have put focus into losing it which on a universal level focuses on exactly what I don’t want ensuring what I don’t want is what I get. Nothing I do has changed that status, I lose a little and pretty much find it again immediately. So clearly what I am doing has to change.

And that’s where loving me for all I am comes in. Quite the big step but what an exciting one. I’m beginning with changing any non supportive non compassionate non loving thoughts into the complete opposite. I tell myself how much I love my body, how much I love and approve of me, how much I believe in me all day long. Right now any negative thought doesn’t stand a chance, it’s lovingly booted off the scene with the flip side positive thought. How incredibly powerful this behaviour is. Reinforcing every day how wonderful I look at my goal weight as if I have already achieved it and reinforcing how easy it was for me to get here is so nurturing I am almost glowing in the self love. Each day I write  out 10-20 times my affirmation for the day reinforcing that. Upon getting up in the morning I greet myself in the mirror and praise myself reinforcing my love for me and my belief in me.

And finally last week I had a daily meditation practice for 5 minutes each day and now this week I have increased it to 10 minutes. Mediation is wonderful and hard, keeping my mind quiet for 5 minutes let alone 10 is challenging. But it is worth it.

I think the idea behind writing this all down is to summarise for myself just where I am at and what my ultimate goal is. It’s not to lose the weight but to be fully okay and at peace with myself. Decluttering and spring cleaning on the inside so eventually the outside will follow is my ultimate goal. Outside mirrors inside so if I actively adore and love my body then my body will flourish under this regime and what happens will be right.

My journey didn’t stop when I left my job, moved up here and stopped drinking. This was where my journey actually begun.

I was invisible once.

But I am not invisible anymore.

I was forgettable once.

But I am not forgettable anymore.

And  that is because I see me. Because I remember me.

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