Believing in Me.

Sadly, NZ lost the cricket world cup yesterday. In all fairness, Aussie deserved the win. I confess though halfway through the game to having serious trouble with my eyelids. Maintenance was called but unable to rectify the issue and thus my eyelids had to remain closed until the morning.

Very early in the game hubby had pretty much given up all hope of a win. And yes though the writing may have very clearly been written on the wall I pulled out my glass half full and filled up the reminder with faith in the boys and hoped for the best. I never gave up, even when it was beginning to be glaringly obvious that a miracle would be needed to secure the win [although of course by then I had succumbed to faulty eyelids].

This did make me realise that even when I get quite down to it, even when I throw myself pity parties, even when my head pulls the negative number on me and it’d be nice to simply give up and give in I don’t. I wallow in it awhile then I resolutely get back up, find that half full glass and fill it up with positives and hopes and reminders and prayer until it’s full to the brim with kick ass stuff lifting myself upwards and onwards.

I don’t do a glass half empty. What a profound revelation about oneself. No matter how black my mood and thoughts become I remain ever hopeful, my faith may waiver but it never breaks and for awhile in the dark I may fumble for the positive but it is always there and I always find it again. I don’t give up, I never give up and I don’t give in.

I fight for myself. I am without a doubt my worst enemy and my most desirable advocate. In all my life [47 years worth with the 48th oh so close] I have been the most constant thing in it. Things, people, experiences, thoughts and feelings and beliefs come and  go but I am always there. I have never left my side.

Even when my self esteem has held on for dear life at rock bottom and even when my self confidence has been so rocky that any sense of stability was tenuous I remained with me, resolutely on a deep inner level believing in me. I had to of or I would not be here now.

It’s an amazing thought and one which brings a smile to my face that has arisen deep within my soul level. I believe in me and I always have. I didn’t know it for a long time but wow, what an awesome truth.

I believe to that if I hadn’t chosen to stop drinking then this gift of the knowledge of self belief wouldn’t now be mine. When one is doing such self recrimination as I was over my drinking behaviour the belief in self doesn’t come into it.

Or does it? The power and belief in myself to stop drinking came from somewhere.  It’s such a big thing to do for oneself, it can be such a terrifying struggle and yet so many of us do at a time when we are ready to do so. Yes, many of us have hit rock bottom in some seriously frightening ways, and we know that a change is needed. But knowing it and doing it are two very different things. We must believe we are worth it, we must believe we have value, we must believe we can be better than this in order to achieve. We just may not know we believe it until we are in the right space to see it.

There is an overwhelming joy to be found here.

So hats off to our Black Caps who believed they could do it and so found themselves in their first ever world cup series and hats off to them for getting out there and doing it.

Believe and achieve.

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