Of late I have struggled with the thoughts and desire to want to start drinking again, it’s been a little scary and most definitely frustrating to have to face it and deal with it and push myself to move on from it. But I have, for now that state of being is behind me.
Big 50th party tomorrow night but I’m not feeling any issues about drinking as it’s a BYO which doesn’t appear to affect me the same. What is about free wine??? Plus I am the designated driver so it’s a nice little security blanket to hold on to.
We were meant to be staying the night [it’s being held at a lodge with tons of bunks] but as hubby had a work event sprung on him on the West Coast [NZ] which means a long day of driving to get back in time for the 50th he now wants to be able to come home after. Which I get.
But typically of me I am doing a minor number on myself over it, little guilt and little self hate. I haven’t let our friends know and I feel like I am letting them down. Logically I know they won’t worry as will be busy with friends and family from away but that’s what I do to myself.
So then I pull up the I’m not really a good kind of friend, if I was people would make contact with me more and usually I am the one to initiate contact [which is not always entirely true] but for now that’s what my inner voice is bomb barding me with.
So, home alone with no chance of company tonight at all, I am hosting my very own poor me pity party and feeling super sorry for myself and doing a little sad and lonely. I wish I was a better person, I wish I could put myself out there more.
Very ironic to be feeling this way given I bumped into a lady I use to work with a few years ago and we got chatting and giggling like we always saw each other and we were always like that. It was so nice and a gentle reminder that I do have a few good points about me.
It seems I am having to ride one of life’s little emotional roller coasters right now [I could blame it on being premenstrual but I am loathe to do so].
I am sober – success.
I am V [energy drink] free – success.
I have finally began cutting back on the diet cokes – well done.
But I still know how to dance with rocky belief systems, I still know how to rough up my self esteem and I still know how to wallow self indulgently in pools of guilt. It’s not a fun way to feel and it’s not a nice way to treat myself but there you have it, I am doing it a little tough right now emotionally.
I want to be better than that, certainly I strive to be better than that. I would love to be the person that people text just to say hi but I’m not, though I am that person who people are generally pleased to hear from. I’m writing about it to loosen its hold on my head and heart so I can shake it off and get on with a better shade of my life.
As someone said today in her blog, I’m giving myself a hug.
The only person who can make this better for me is me!
Right, heading out now to do something to give this funk a right ole shake up.