And if I can’t be honest with you how can I be truly honest with me.
And I haven’t really wanted to be fully honest with myself much lately.
Firstly, I am okay. I am feeling strong, well mostly.
It’s just that I’m having regular thoughts about wanting to drink. Very real thoughts.
And while I don’t want to I do.
It’s not even my wino self holding court here, it’s me. My sober self thinking these things. And I am fearful I may believe it and that I may do it. And yet I feel okay. Make sense???
I think maybe this thought state has been triggered by social events lately.
I have given serious consideration to having a drink and I allow myself to really think about this and then quietly as my thoughts flow on I see myself having just another drink and then in no time flat I am back to the drinking behaviour that caused me to review things and to stop.
I feel so frustrated with myself and so confused. I’ve been told how inspiring I am but how can I be when I’m thinking like this. And it feels a little self indulgent to be feeling this way when I know others are doing real struggle over very emotive issues in their lives including stopping drinking.
I don’t know why I’m feeling and thinking this way. I really don’t want to start up drinking again. I am proud of myself for what I have achieved thus far and how I’ve changed.
I think I just need to let this sit and maybe it will flow through. As quickly as the thought to drink comes in so to does the visualisation of where it will lead. There is no condemnation just a simple honest reveal of what will happen.
Maybe it’s just a clutter clear out and I’m holding onto it out of fear of what it could mean.
It is a good reminder to be aware of what thoughts flitter through and if they benefit me. And it’s a good reminder to do my affirmations and to alter any negative thoughts into something positive.
The ultimate truth here is that I am in control of my thoughts and I can choose to listen to them or I can choose to change them if they aren’t a good fit.
Meanwhile, I’m off to the shops – I’m out of cranberry juice and soda water.