Honesty is the best policy…..

Right?

And if I can’t be honest with you how can I be truly honest with me.

And I haven’t really wanted to be fully honest with myself much lately.

Firstly, I am okay. I am feeling strong, well mostly.

It’s just that I’m having regular thoughts about wanting to drink. Very real thoughts.

And while I don’t want to I do.

It’s not even my wino self holding court here, it’s me. My sober self thinking these things. And I am fearful I may believe it and that I may do it. And yet I feel okay. Make sense???

I  think maybe this thought state has been triggered by social events lately.

I have given serious consideration to having a drink and I allow myself to really think about this and then quietly as my thoughts flow on I see myself having just another drink and then in no time flat I am back to the drinking behaviour that caused me to review things and to stop.

I feel so frustrated with myself and so confused. I’ve been told how inspiring I am but how can I be when I’m thinking like this. And it feels a little self indulgent to be feeling this way when I know others are doing real struggle over very emotive issues in their lives including stopping drinking.

I don’t know why I’m feeling and thinking this way. I really don’t want to start up drinking again. I am proud of myself for what I have achieved thus far and how I’ve changed.

I think I just need to let this sit and maybe it will flow through. As quickly as the thought to drink comes in so to does the visualisation of where it will lead. There is no condemnation just a simple  honest reveal of what will happen.

Maybe it’s just a clutter clear out and I’m holding onto it out of fear of what it could mean.

It is a good reminder to be aware of what thoughts flitter through and if they benefit me. And it’s a good reminder to do my affirmations and to alter any negative thoughts into something positive.

The ultimate truth here is that I am in control of my thoughts and I can choose to listen to them or I can choose to change them if they aren’t a good fit.

Meanwhile, I’m off to the shops – I’m out of cranberry juice and soda water.

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8 thoughts on “Honesty is the best policy…..

  1. I agree with you here, it’s smart to be honest about this, with yourself and with people here online. It takes some of the sting out of those thoughts. I know that a year and a half ago, when I quit for 4 months and then decided to drink again, I didn’t feel comfortable coming online to talk about feeling ambivalent about being sober, but that ambivalence is the very thing I had to work through. I worried that online I was only allowed to talk about how great it was to be sober, but of course it doesn’t always feel that way, especially when it’s still newish. If I had talked about it, I don’t know whether I might have saved myself the trouble of drinking for a while only to have to quit again the harder second time. (And the second time really was much more difficult.)

    Sorry, long comment, all about me! Ack! But I’m telling my story to say yes, I absolutely agree with you, talking it through is the best idea. As in the above post, it seems to be showing you that drinking leads one way, as if does for many of us. Good for you for being up front and honest about this! You do sound strong in your plan to not drink, which seems wise. And I do hope the messy ambivalence washes away soon. Take care. xo

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    • Thanks for you feedback, I appreciate you sharing your 4 month story. Reiterates why I don’t why to have that drink and why I did need to be honest about those thoughts and feelings.
      Thanks for your honesty.

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  2. You’re feeling this because that’s what addiction does – is whispers in your ear and lies like hell. It tells you whatever it needs to tell you to get you to pick up a drink. The wonderful thing about this community is discovering that we are not unique no matter how much we think we are. WE ARE ALL THE SAME. We’ve all had those thoughts and battled them back – some successfully and some unsuccessfully. But we’ve ALL had them.

    You’re an inspiration because you’re brave and you’re honest and people read what you’ve written here and they are inspired because you’re saying what they are feeling. They all are either feeling it, have felt it or will feel it and here you are being brave and wonderful and telling them THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE.

    Now let me tell you a secret – the 3-4 month mark it the trickiest. That’s when your addiction begins to think, “Oh shit guys she’s serious. Better fire up the engines and kick this into high gear or we’re going to lose her!” You start hearing all those lies like, “Well – I must be okay. I’ve gone 4 months without a drink. That proves I’m okay right?” That 4 month mark was when I relapsed. After I got sober I didn’t let it get me the last time.

    Give yourself to six months and then reevaluate your feelings. In the meantime keep writing – people need to read what you have to say!

    Sherry

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    • Oh. Wow thanks Sherry.
      Some interesting thoughts in there and once again I am reminded how easy it is to see struggle as potential failure instead of Taki g in the whole picture.
      Ironic considering that is not how I respond to others in their struggles, wanting to drink is one thing but not acting on the want is a success.
      I appreciate your thoughts.

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      • Wouldn’t it be great if we could always offer ourselves the same kind words and wisdom we offer others? Somehow we never seem to be able to see it.

        Hope I didn’t overstep any bounds. Just wanted you to know that we’ve all been there.

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  3. Of course not, you out haven’t overstepped at all. I think part of blogging and putting it out there is knowing there may be feedback and for me it can be revealing and enlightening, informative and anything that enhances my understanding is welcomed.
    One thing I can say honestly is that since I stopped drinking and began my sober journey I have been the kindest to myself than I have ever been in my life.
    Nameste Sherry.

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  4. You are free, of course, to take a drink. Just as you are free to do cocaine or eat an entire loaf of garlic bread. But you are honest with yourself and you know where that drink will lead. You’ve seen it through to the end. So maybe it would be best to treat this idea as you would treat the idea of eating an entire loaf of garlic bread… tasty in your thoughts, but not so awesome in your brain or body.

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  5. Sometimes what seems so complicated really is quite simple. You are right, I am free to make whatever choice I chose. I have the power and the ability to change those thoughts also.
    Sometimes to just putting it out there coupled with the comments received is enough to dilute the strengths of those thoughts and to get back my perspective.

    I remain delightfully sober.
    Thanks for your thoughts.
    Cheers
    Freebreezi

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