I was so very close to saying Eff it, I’m having a wine.
Well actually I did say it and I was so so very close to actually doing it. The stress and anxiety in that moment was immense and I just didn’t know what to do.
We were at a wedding on Saturday. My sister and brother in law were with us also. Two of my friends drove the wedding cars. It was a lovely day, the ceremony was lovely, the atmosphere was warm and loving, the church old and packed with character. All in all it was wonderful.
Once out of the church there was photos, talking and laughing, hugging and I was really enjoying myself. So much so that all of a sudden I had the overwhelming urge to enjoy a drink of wine.
I don’t even think my wino self saw this one coming. Wino me and sober me were totally caught by surprise. The desire to celebrate with a glass of wine was so strong, so compelling and in that moment I was going to do it.
I even suggested to my husband as we drove to the function venue would he like to drive home because I am going to have a wine. He just looked at me but didn’t say anything.
And then my jovial happy mood dropped out completely and in moved despair, confusion and fear. What should I do? OMG, I am going to do this. Should I do this? Help, what should I do??????????
At the bar the others ordered a drink and I looked at the wines in the chiller, still unsure how to proceed. Hubby asked what did I want. I said I want a wine but what should I do??? He calmly with a gentle smile simply said hang in there.
And I did. I hung in there and ordered an orange juice and lemonade. We went and sat at a table outside. I was still reeling from all that emotion but as the chat began and I was asked about life up the mountain and about my animals I came back into myself and the pain of struggle began to ease.
As we were seated at the table there was a chilled bottle of Savignon Blanc right smack in front of me, I felt a little quiver of panic but just asked my sister to shift it round.
All was well.
The evening began. Our table was filled with neat people and we had a lot of laughs, there was a lot of talking, the meal was served, the speeches were held and then it was onto the music and dancing and more talking.
And all was well. I was fine. I had made it through and survived.
But the truth here is I would have. I would have had that drink and then had to deal with the consequences of that decision. It was my choice, it’s always my choice. But that calmly given as if it was no big deal support from my husband was enough to give me the wisdom and strength to make the right choice.
It was really scary to be honest. In such a short space of time I nearly blew 245 days of sobriety.
I didn’t and I am grateful. I still feel a little raw but it’s over. The rest of the weekend held boat races and BBQ’s and drinks but I was okay on my soft drinks. I did look to see who was drinking but I was okay not drinking.
It’s funny though isn’t it- I thought I was doing well. I know these challenges are coming up and I felt pretty good going into this one but I was totally blind sided. The strength of this one was so unexpected and the fact I was going to give into it surprising.
But there you have it.
Wanted to, was going to but in the end didn’t.