Hope

I have hope.

I read a lot of Louise Hay, mostly I like what she has to say and how she says it. But sometimes I really struggle to read her and can only read the book in small increments.

Currently I am reading You Can Heal Your Life and it’s full of really good stuff. But….Louise Hay links current adult struggles and beliefs due to parental treatment and input and this is where I come unstuck.

I am a parent and when I read that the guilt and regret and I wishes about my parenting of my boys rises up in me like acidic bile and threatens to overwhelm me. So much so I have to stop reading and shove those feelings down as quickly as possible because I’m not sure if I can cope. I just want to hide from it, deny it. I don’t feel brave enough to face these thoughts and feelings head on. I can’t just let myself sit with it.

I do big anxiety over the legacy I may have left my boys with. That they might do poor self esteem [as I know one does] and lack of self belief and confidence because of me is heart breaking. I don’t want to deal with this, even writing about it now is making my insides squirm and I’d much rather be doing something else, anything else.

To be fair I did have good moments as a parent and it was always my desire to do right by my boys but in the murkiness of all I did wrong it’s hard to see let alone acknowledge anything positive.

I loved my boys.I didn’t love me.Those years were some of the hardest and loneliest of my life.I was doing severe depression back then to the point of suicidal thoughts.

I did a lot of shame. A lot of shame.

I felt invisible, ugly, unheard, wrong.

But here I am years later with 2 grown independent boys. Somehow I made it through. And so did they.

I stopped drinking. That move has allowed me to face myself and to discover myself and I am in such a good place these days. Of course I have my moments when the dark rises up, obviously or I wouldn’t need to be writing this.

I’m learning to forgive myself.

I’m beginning to understand back then as now I did the best I could. I was really trying to do my best by everyone. But I had lost sight of me  so it was hard work with who I was and how I was. I tried and I am so sorry that these boys were caught in my cross fires. They deserved so much more.

It’s heartbreaking knowing some of the struggles my oldest boy has  with self esteem.  It’s hard to admit let alone face that in part it’s my fault.

I’d love to be able to blame this on drinking, I’d love for it to be the fault of alcohol but I can’t. I didn’t always drink.

Was I a bad person? Sometimes I think yes I was but I know for sure I was a very unhappy person.

I have come along way on my journey back to myself, especially over the past few months and I am probably the happiest I have ever been over the last few years.

I did try, I really did.

I can’t go back and change things. I can’t go back and make it right and make it better. There is only forward or stuck. Stuck isn’t working for me so I have to go forward. So still a work in progress, still some darkness to work through. I have to let it up into the light if I am going to truly forgive myself.

To my boys;

I love you. I have always loved you.

I believe in you. I have always believed in you.

I am so proud of who you are and the men you have become.

You are my joy.

To my oldest son;

I rejoice in the wonderful partner you have chosen and the wonderful family you have created with her. Watching you as a couple and as a father not only puts a smile on my face but a smile that goes deep into my heart and soul. You are so deserving of good things. I love to see you smile and hear you laugh. I am proud of all you have achieved, of your steadiness and maturity. You are so capable, so clever, so able. You are thoughtful and caring and kind. You are such a wonderful person.

You are worth it. You have such value. You are enough.

To my youngest son;

Your tenacity, your courage, your sense of right and wrong and your ability to always be true to yourself even from a very young age has always had my admiration. You have never wavered in letting yourself be yourself, never caving in because you are different from your peers. I was always and am now so proud of you for that. I rejoice in the loving relationship you are now in. I appreciate your artistic skills, your commitment to your studies and your ability to manage your money well. I am so proud of you.

You are worth it. You have value. You are enough.

To my baby grandson;

My love for you is overflowing. I adore you and I rejoice in you, son of my son.

I promise you to be the best grandparent I possibly can be. Having you in my life is such a gift. I promise to always put you first when I am with you, to play or sit quietly. To be with you. I love you.

TO me;

I love you. I believe in you. I see your value and your worth. I will always walk beside you on this journey, trusting that you will find your way. I will be your light when things go dark.

I am a good parent.

I am a good grandparent

God, please help me to believe this and to be this.

I am open and willing to grow and to change.

Hope.