Just thinking out loud really…..

I went on an USA and Canada holiday for 6 weeks, 3 of which were with friends. [the whole 6 weeks with my hubby]. I loved it, had a wonderful time and would love to go back and do more and see more.

One of things I looked forward to was tasting new wines and was super disappointed when I struggled to find wine I really liked. I went all out in my effort to find a good wine and I tried lots, by the bottle of course. I would go out for dinner and order a wine, sometimes the choice given to me was red or white – that was it. So spoilt for choice here in NZ. Of course I was a Sav girl which we do really well.

I never gave up and drank everything I brought, whether I liked it or not. I had to be drinking. I look back now with a sense of dismay that drinking had it’s own personal pocket of that trip. And I can see how I just couldn’t not drink.

Then last year my sister and I took ourselves off to Perth to surprise our brother and we had a lot of fun finding the right wine, indulging in all the wines available on our wine tasting tour up the Swan River and nearby wineries. I drank a shit load on that trip, doing secret stress when no one suggested it was wine o’clock. [My brother and his wife don’t drink].

I indulged in glasses of wine waiting at Vancouver international whilst waiting for our flight home and again on the flight home. Bubbly was the order of the day flying to and from Perth. Drinking wine on a plane is such a treatful indulgence for me. Or at least it was once.

OMG, I drank a shit load in Aussie and it was that trip that really REALLY brought it home to me I needed to address this situation.

I really applaud those who have little children and are now choosing to address their drinking situation while their children are young. What a gift for you all. I didn’t drink much when my boys were young but when I did the drinking took front row. I didn’t know that then but I see it now and I do bouts of guilt and regret.

I can’t change that. I did the best I could, mostly I can see and accept that. I was doing a lot of depression back then, post natal and so on. It wasn’t a great time to be me and my heart goes out to my boys who missed out because of that. Maybe I was destined to move on to drinking issues, who knows. It doesn’t matter really because I did and that was then and this is now and I no longer drink.

Loving yourself, warts and all, is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.  Drinking may enable you to hide all those negative feelings away but it’s an illusion because they will surface again and the drink can’t help then.

Facing the crap we have sober is the best way to get through it. Facing it under alcohol isn’t any easier and the alcohol distorts things anyway and inhibits our truth from coming out and so we remain stuck in the crap, wallowing pointlessly.

Bloody hell, not sure where all that came from. I think for me being sober has allowed me to face stuff and sometimes pockets of stuff comes up to the surface when I am ready to face it and deal with it.

I hate that I did that to myself but I am so grateful I get to say I don’t drink now, that I get to be a sober person living my life so much more in the present and so much more authentically. I have a lot of challenges coming up in the next few months and I admit I am a little scared of them but equally I know that I have also overcome a lot of challenges to be where I am today so I am sure I will make it through and even if I do struggle with some of them knowing I got to the end of the day still sober makes me a success.

And  if at the end of each day of those challenges I can still say I did it sober then I’ll take that and I will be most grateful for it.


2 thoughts on “Just thinking out loud really…..

  1. You sound very upbeat! Leave the regrets behind. Those days are done and now that we know better, we do better.
    Try not to worry too much about future trips. Like Lisa said, live in the present. One day at a time!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s