It’s true, I still want to or at least I think I want to. I haven’t and I’m not actually tempted to but on occasions I still think I would like to.
Have a drink that it is.
More specifically, a nice cold glass of bubbly wine. Damn that Achilles heel.
I know why I don’t do it anymore and I know why I won’t do it now. I know just what I have gained and I know I don’t want to lose any of that.
But, at times, I still think I want a glass of wine.
Why?? Hell, damned if I know really. No good reason anyway. I just do. It’s a beautiful hot sunny day and I’d love a glass of bubbly wine. Like I said, no good reason. I guess though for now it is what it is.
And maybe it’s that being 6 ½ months sober – while definitely worthy of recognition – just isn’t long enough to be at the wondrous magical place where it’s all over, done with, no more thoughts popping in of want and desire. Totally free.
A blogger I follow has just celebrated 5 years of sobriety. 5 YEARS!!! Massive awesome achievement. And so much more wondrous when you understand the very low place she has risen from. A place I never made it to [Thank You God]. So maybe it’s at 5 years where we find ourselves in that magical place.
Or maybe there is no magical sobriety place or age where it’s all forgotten, no longer do we think about or want or desire that drink. Maybe we will always think about drink in some way or other though perhaps the strength of it, the power of it just lessens overtime.
Or maybe that’s why AA always talks about people being in recovery and the people refer to themselves as a recovering alcoholic even 10 or 15 years down the track. Now I’ve never ever referred to myself as an alcoholic, ever so maybe I don’t have the right to quote or refer to AA.
And maybe we shouldn’t forget. We should always look forward, we should always focus on the now, live in the present and wrap ourselves up in a woven shroud of positivity and growth. But maybe we need a place to hold those other memories so on the days we falter in our step even just the littlest bit we can see just how far we have come and how awesome we really are and what being forever sober has given us and what it means to us and what it means for us.
I am happy being sober. In fact at times I am even smugly virtuous about it all, lording that status like some sort of official title, maybe even with a tiara. Mostly though it is just simply my normal, no big deal required and no bells and whistles needed.
Are we forever recovering??? I don’t know. What I do know is that sometimes I find myself still wanting a drink and I’m just trying to figure it all out.
Sometimes it’s all just a little nuts really. Well, that’s okay because I can do a little nuts.