I still want to.

 

It’s true, I still want to or at least I think I want to. I haven’t and I’m not actually tempted to but on occasions I still think I would like to.

Have  a drink that it is.

More specifically, a nice cold glass of bubbly wine.  Damn that Achilles heel.

I know why I don’t do it anymore and I know why I won’t do it now. I know just what I have gained and I know I don’t want to lose any of that.

But, at times, I still think I want a glass of wine.

Why?? Hell, damned if I know really. No good reason anyway. I just do.  It’s a beautiful hot sunny day and I’d love a glass of bubbly wine. Like I said, no good reason. I guess though for now it is what it is.

And maybe it’s that being 6 ½ months sober – while definitely worthy of recognition – just isn’t long enough to be at the wondrous magical place where it’s all over, done with, no more thoughts popping in of want and desire. Totally free.

A blogger I follow has just celebrated 5 years of sobriety. 5 YEARS!!! Massive awesome achievement. And so much more wondrous when you understand the very low place she has risen from. A place I never made it to [Thank You God]. So maybe it’s at 5 years where we find ourselves in that magical place.

Or maybe there is no magical sobriety place or age where it’s all forgotten, no longer do we think about or want or desire that drink. Maybe we will always think about drink in some way or other though perhaps the strength of it, the power of it just lessens overtime.

Or maybe that’s why AA always talks about people being in recovery and the people refer to themselves as a recovering alcoholic even 10 or 15 years down the track. Now I’ve never ever referred to myself as an alcoholic, ever so maybe I don’t have the right to quote or refer to AA.

And maybe we shouldn’t forget. We should always look forward, we should always focus on the now, live in the present and wrap ourselves up in a woven shroud of positivity and growth. But maybe we need a place to hold those other memories so on the days we falter in our step even just the littlest bit we can see just how far we have come and how awesome we really are and what being forever sober has given us and what it means to us and what it means for us.

I am happy being sober.  In fact at times I am even smugly virtuous about it all, lording that status like some sort of official title, maybe even with a tiara. Mostly though it is just simply my normal, no big deal required and no bells and whistles needed.

Are we forever recovering??? I don’t know. What I do know is that sometimes I find myself still wanting a drink and I’m just trying to figure it all out.

Sometimes it’s all just a little nuts really. Well, that’s okay because I can do a little nuts.

 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “I still want to.

  1. I’m only at almost 5 months booze free, and like you – don’t believe I was well and truly an alcoholic… yet. But I did quit smoking years ago, and was 100% addicted to nicotine. So, drawing from my experience, for what it’s worth – I think these random ‘cravings’ or whatever you want to call them, sound more like reflexes of a dying dependence, if that makes any sense. Kind of like the booze synapses in your brain twitching, on their way to flickering out. But I think it’s completely normal! You certainly can’t control whether or when these thoughts occur to you; all you have power over is how you respond to them. Maybe take a walk, make a phone call, pick up a book or hobby that you find engrossing? Something to re-direct/divert your brain? I’m pretty sure these thoughts will continue to diminish….. Hugs and hang in there!

    Like

    • hello lifewithoutvodkarocks, thanks for you really neat comment. I really liked your phrases “reflexes of a dying dependence” and booze synapses in your brain twitching on their way to flickering out”. They made so much sense and are really apt descriptions. And you are right, it’s totally normal to experience random cravings.
      Would you mind if I quoted those phrases in another blog? I can credit them to you or not if you prefer.
      Have a wonderful day.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s