Oh yes, she’s back. My wino loving self has reappeared in hopes I’ll change my mind, dropping in as a sense of vulnerability opened the doorway and ramping up efforts to sway me back to the delights of alcohol imbibing.
Seems I have an Achilles heel in the alcohol department and my wino self is doing her best to exploit it and capitalise on it. And I confess I was listening, my resolve was quivering and I took on board her arguments with a sense of belief.
Thankfully I am far enough along in my sober ride to have some wisdom and internal support readily available and on my side and though my world rocked a little it’s too stable to flip.
But flipping it was a consideration anyway. Seems I am not so far along that temptation and desire can’t gain a foothold, however tenuous it maybe.
It began Wednesday night with another work related Christmas function [yep another one] and my friend had a glass of bubbles. And there you have it, my Achilles heel – bubbly wine!!! And a French one to boot!!!! I did always enjoy trying new wines. I eyed up her glass with a sense of sadness and a why not one glass kind of attitude. And thus my wino self was quivering in excitement as she agreed with me and edged me ‘to go on – do it’.
With a deep breath I got past that one. Told my friend I am so tempted right now to have some. Had a laugh and all was well in my sober world. Crisis averted and on I went to really enjoy my evening. And so scuttling back to her cave went my wino self although not as far back as I thought.
Thursday night hubby comes home with a gift box given to him by a supplier. I love getting free stuff and with eager glee pounced upon the box to investigate the goodies within. And there it was, right on top of the chips, chocolates and crackers, a bottle of Sparkling Sauvignon Blanc. Bubbly wine, right here in my home, in my hands in fact.
Honestly, I had an immediate OH SHIT moment. HOW the Hell do I handle this????? My wino self popped up with delighted urgency encouraging me to put it in the fridge RIGHT NOW. Bubbly is best served very chilled.
Bloody hell, panic nearly ensued. But I was able to calmly put it back in the box and in a calm quiet voice I said to hubby “ we need to get rid of this”. Again crisis averted. I’m going to give it away to a friend who enjoys bubbly wine and who is having a lot of Christmas visitors who will enjoy it with her.
So there it was – temptation – highlighted and in my face. I felt it, acknowledged it and owned it. I faced up to it and looked it right in the eye and agreed that yes I would like to give into it…………….except of course I don’t want to. If it wasn’t for that then I would.
The difference now though is that these moments pass by a lot quicker than they use to and I no longer do high levels of anxiety, fear and desperation. I allow these moments to happen. I guess even if I don’t know right up front I am okay and I will be fine here I know at a deeper level that I am safe.
And that’s how I know I have come along way from June 30th 2014.
And I can also see there is still aways to go yet.
For all the down sides of my drinking and there were many I also enjoyed it. Loved it even. For all the times I felt crap about it and me I also had fun. I don’t see any point in denying it, that was me then and it was what it was.
The thing to focus on is the me now and what I am doing and why I am doing it. The thing I know for sure and can draw strength from is that the balance of emotion and belief has shifted and it’s all in my favour. I think my wino self knows that but she keeps holding on just in case.
And fair enough, each win for me and a defeat for her just shows me how strong I am and how successful I have become and what I have achieved.
And I am grateful for that.