Yep, on occasion I am just plain ole weird. And I embrace that weirdness. That weirdness is the characteristics that make me me, give me my individuality, my uniqueness. I didn’t use to like that weirdness, I felt it made me difference and I thought it made me wrong and it should be hidden away. And whoa, that harm that denying my weirdness has caused over the years.
Saturday night we had a work Xmas function and there I am being this witty charming oh so very chatty self. Enjoying myself with my sour apple sparkling drink comfortably mixing and mingling. I felt so sociable. Talked to most of the group, taking myself up and just joining in. And that’s what was weird. This confident socialable me.
Totally sober! Completely and utterly sober! Weird, but in a wonderful way.
I was so buzzed about the whole evening and how easily I accepted myself. I should share this I thought. And then the flip side of good weird……………………..the BUT side of my weird little self raised her head and said… ‘Do you think you should say anything, you might jinx it or what if you start drinking again then what will you say after being this wonderful positive person”?
Shit, good questions. Aren’t they??? Then I start thinking I should maybe qualify anything wonderfully positive I share with a slightly self deprecating ‘of course I still have crap moments where I feel totally crappy and hate myself and …………….” so on.
And that’s the really weird thing. Why is it so hard to just enjoy the positive ride, why look for the bumps and plan for potential spills. Why is it so hard to just be happy being happy. Why feel the need to justify feeling fantastic and why feel the need to put that safety net of not going to last in place.
I am happy. I am proud I am sober every day now. I am excited about Christmas and New Years and not drinking and feeling awesome the morning after the night before. I love being chatty and laughing and I love that I discovered I don’t need alcohol to be that person.
I love that I have found a way to be me and to like being me. Even that flip side of me is worth liking and loving. I figure if I embrace that flip side more then I’ll actually see less of it.
I like being silly. I like having weird parts of me.
I like that even though there is still a part of me saying don’t be to happy – just in case – I can openly feel happy and joyous and let it be there.
Seasons Greetings everyone. I am super excited about Christmas this year because I have a gorgeous new grandson and even though he won’t even remember this Christmas or that Nana spoilt him with awesome presents I can’t wait to share his first Christmas with him and give him his presents.