A sugar addict.
I know, I know it’s not a pretty resume.
But “they” say the first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem. And I admit I have a problem.
I use to have a problem with alcohol but for 126 odd days I haven’t been doing that. But what about the remainder of my addictions. Yep, chunky kit kats and a bottle of V are my undoing these days. I see no point to mention the chocolate biscuits, gingernuts and [cringe] indulgence in cakes of chocolate and lollies.
It’s interesting to note here that I have never used the “A” word [you know, alcoholic] when describing myself and my issues. In fact I still don’t and see no value in doing anything differently here. But I am very happy, well okay not so much happy as more willing, to admit to being a “V”and “Choc”aholic. Actually I do feel a bit of shame over the V addiction, it truly is a vile poisonous sugar ridden wonderfully promoted and deliciously tasting drink. And of course chocolate is a very acceptable and indeed recommended [in small doses at least] and truly delightful and allowable drug of choice. Both are easy to obtain, relatively affordable and neither comes with age restrictions.
But as much as I enjoy both of them, as I did with alcohol funnily enough, I do equal amounts of guilt, frustrations and self loathing at self diagnosed weakness. How can that possibly be good for me???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And giving them up is proving as big if not a bigger challenge than when I stopped drinking. To be fair to myself here I didn’t just one day decide to stop drinking and that was it. It took awhile before I could actually do it and there were quite a few bumpy bits along the way.
But, as with alcohol, I want to give them up. I am choosing to keep going with the me I am now loving and the life I want to be living. This addictive behaviour to these substances just isn’t sustaining me on any levels of my being.
Am I doing struggle over it? HELL YES I am!! But I am doing it and I know for me it’s a process but one I know I can do.
I would love for it to be as simple as a click of my fingers and all is done. Oh and another click and I am a weight I like with a body I love. [I’m trying the finger flicking here but alas no miraculous results damn it so it’s back to the process and working it through drawing board].
I do have a plan in place, it’s a work in progress but then so am I.
Currently I am reading Transformation by Bill Phillips. Transformation is about transforming your life from the inside out. This idea really resonated with me when I read the line ‘about feeling good on the inside to then be able to feel good and look good on the outside’.
So I’ve stopped the diet mentality, stopped the daily ups and downs of weighing myself and am reading the book through first before committing to his 18 week programme.
A lot of reading I have done suggests that addictive behaviour is a cover up for internal issues and angst’s which I know I do and have. I also know that since I’ve stopped drinking I am so much more aware of them and in such a better head space and in a better place in my relationship with myself. I want to keep that momentum going.
So focus is off what’s bad and wrong in my diet and on what is good and right with all aspects of my being.
And I have a reward system in place. For every time I go down the mountain and stick to my goal of a happy healthier me [i.e. not V and kitkat chucky] I will put $5 in the holiday account. [ Hubby and I have a holiday planned in Alaska in 2016 and one which I am super excited about]. In fact in hindsight I should have started doing that when I stopped buying wine.
So I guess in summing up I am now all about doing what’s right, focusing on what’s part of living a life I love and about loving me. Not focusing on I don’t want and aren’t doing.
Positives, Postives. Postives.
Think “what do I want”.