Oh dear Lord, help me please. I’m having a moment, a really big moment right now. It won’t last, at least I’m sure it won’t last. Logically I know it won’t but it’s not feeling so good being me right now.
Quite simply I want a drink. It feels right and I would like a nice big glass of cold bubbly wine. I want to text my husband and tell him exactly what to bring me home. I think it’s a wonderful idea to kick back and enjoy a drink. What’s the harm? Right?
Hell, I’m quite sure if I did ask him to he wouldn’t and I am dead scared he would. It would be so good right now to not have to be in this head. I haven’t had a bad day so why this desire to drink.
I’ve been home alone all day, it’s been raining off and on all day though mostly on than off. I’ve pottered about doing a few things but aren’t feeling like I’ve been productive and constructive with my time. I’ve also been feeling lost and a little directionless and I’m beginning something new which is scaring the crap out of me.
Ahh, so okay I can see now why I want a drink and why it feels so right to do so. I’m afraid of facing what I am feeling, afraid to look at myself and find myself lacking, afraid to address my internal concerns. Okay, cool got it. So how about that drink now………………………
Nah, won’t change anything that’s going on for me right now. I know in order to sort it I have to keep going through it. I could hide behind the wine and I know quite well that at the time I would really enjoy it but then later I would still have all this shit going on in my head waiting for me to sort and I would just have to add to that the guilt of drinking because I know very well one glass just won’t cut it.
So, as much as I hate it I am going to have to do this. Let what I’m feeling out and deal with it. It’s hard and it doesn’t feel very good. I don’t feel very good about myself and that’s never a nice place to be but I know a drink isn’t going to change that status for me. Thank goodness for a place to blog, I do at least feel better now I’ve got an understanding on what’s going on and why I want that drink. Funny how the ah ha moment can come at any given time, for me it was pouring it out here. Understanding came at the same time I started writing.
I still want that drink but at least I feel back in control of myself.