I’m doing a bit of a number on myself right now, in a very non supportive non productive way. This isn’t anything new, more of an ongoing saga with myself. The highs and lows of being me I guess.
I have a lot of positives going for me in my life, things to truly appreciate and be grateful for.
- I am 77 days alcohol removed and though I may angst over it momentarily my continued status of alcohol removed is not under threat. I feel that strong.
- I can now go into a bar or even through the alcohol section at a grocery shop without feeling terrorised and without needing to breathe my way through anxiously.
- I can acknowledge the moments of sadness at no more drinking, I can allow those thoughts in confident in my ability to let them pass on through with no damage done and equally I can immediately turn it into “well okay what can I do or what can I drink instead of” and that moment has passed.
- I live in such a beautiful spiritual area, my mountain, with the native bush, mountain ranges, snow, stars, amazing sunsets and rises, melodic bird life, wild rabbits – affectionately named the lawn rabbits – not to mention the wild deer and pigs that pass through leaving sign behind.
- I have my first grandchild due very soon which is very exciting. And I am loving the comments I just don’t look old enough to be a Grandma – I’m 47.
- My children are both doing their own thing successfully, both have lovely partners and both are happy.
And so much more………………………
So it seems selfish and perhaps ungrateful to be feeling so lost and cast adrift right now. I just don’t know what I am meant to be doing, what my purpose for being here is. I look at myself and see a person trying to be a good decent person, doing her best with life but just falling short all the time. I am not really good at any particular thing, I don’t excel at any particular skill or have any outstanding talent. A lot of the time I feel very invisible. I’m not a social butterfly and inundated with multiple friends. I’ve gotten better at not comparing myself with everyone else and seeing and feeling useless and worthless in that comparison. I have at least made advancements in that mostly now I compare myself to myself and can see where I have improved but oh there is so much room left to improve on.
I feel like, right now, I am winging it. I don’t know if I’ll make it but I do know giving up, as appealing as it feels at times, is not an option.
Where do I go from here, hell I don’t know. At least I can take solace in the fact that I continue to be alcohol removed and that is a bold move to make and to continue with. When my going gets tough and I struggle with being me I do find comfort in knowing I did it, I stopped drinking for all the very best of reasons.
And surely if I can do that I am capable of achieving more.
Love and laughter