I get these thoughts and images in my head periodically.
Like today for instance, I was out in the sunshine and thought how nice it would be to sit down with a glass of wine, soak up this sun and enjoy the simplicity of my fantastic view. Nothing wrong with that thought and the image it invoked. I am so blessed that the truth of that thought follows with a rerun of images where that one glass of wine most likely will turn into 2 or 3,perhaps the bottle will be finished and another opened. Then will follow the guilt and self reproach – why am I so weak willed, why can’t I just stop and stick to my goals? I am thankful the truth is there to support me and allow me to make an informed decision on how I will follow up on that thought if at all.
I’ve done a lot of struggle lately. So intensely wanting a drink of wine and being so angry I can’t have one which of course I could since I am the only one imposing the no alcohol on myself. And I do such frustration over this need. I so desperately want it to go away, I want to feel strong always and for this to just be so normal I don’t think about it. It just is what it is.
But I’m not there yet. Reading some of the comments on the Living Sober website suggests it will come and ironically, feeling this way is completely normal. Funny isn’t it how “normal’ is ever changing encompassing so much as it reflects current status, abilities, attitudes and beliefs.
I’ve learnt a few things along the way. Such as alcohol doesn’t make me a socially competent confident person. Perhaps as long as everyone else is drinking just like I am and are influenced the same but what about those times when it’s not status quo???? When I am the only one drinking like this, how do I feel then? I feel inadequate, weak, embarrassed and then my old foes self hate and guilt jump in to join the party. I am the only one in my head when the ‘I wish’ thoughts come in to play in the wee hours and I am the only one in my head when I make the vows to do better, have this next night off, only buy one bottle this week and so on and so on.
I am much better at keeping my mouth in check when I am not drinking, no verbal diarrhoea or making comments that later I wish I had never said. And then having to deal with the guilt and self loathing that is part and parcel of that situation.
Interesting isn’t it how alcohol has me feeling so much worse about myself. Since when did something I loved to do become so detrimental to me on so many levels. I’ve had some strong convincing conversations with myself about starting to drink again and I am so grateful that as hard as saying no to myself is the truth quietly and gently comes in reminding myself to keep going through the tough as the reasons are worthwhile and the gains many.
I am sincerely grateful to this higher power that answers my call for help. It’s nice not being so alone in my space.
I am 49 days alcohol free and I am grateful for the ongoing strength and conviction to stay this way.
And I love being a success at this!!!
Love and Laughter