Conference is Cancelled

Not for everyone, just hubby and I.  And ironically I was now looking forward to going; I was feeling really strong and happier with myself. But the fates conspired and so home we stay. One very loved and sick dog and one equally loved but very sick brother in law who was going to be farm sitting with also equally loved sister resulted is us making the call to stay home. And it is the right decision and we are fine with it.

I had really not wanted to go for a long time to this conference and if I’m honest with myself body image was the major contributor to this feeling, along with doing fear over the temptation of free and always available wines followed by the traditional Baileys night cap. However I choose to rise up above these feelings and find a way to be supportive of myself and to be strong. And I succeeded, I was looking forward to going. Planning strategies on how to approach the drinking situation. I’d lost a bit of weight and had planned my confidence boosting wardrobe.

I’m now okay about not going. I did of course feel disappointed but moved on with no regrets. My dog is very special to me and so deserves my attention [and she appears to be making a good recovery] and family is very important [brother in law status is currently no change but any day we hope to see a change in him]. So I’ve moved on and am carrying on with my life just as normal.

And thats what I’ve realised about myself with having given up alcohol [or perhaps I should say the more universally correct released my desire for alcohol] I’m moving on. Getting on with my life just as normal. I won’t lie and say it’s been a breeze because it definitely hasn’t always. Most of the time I feel just fine but sometimes that need / must have feeling sneaks up on me and is suddenly at the forefront of all my thinking, dominant and aggressive. A few days ago I was really doing struggle, I wanted a wine or a few and why shouldn’t I but oh no I’m not allowed. Which of course is rubbish, if I want one I can have one,after all the only one stopping me is me. I made a choice, I choose to be alcohol free. And at 43 days I’m buggered if I’m going to stuff that up. I made this choice for very good reasons, none of which have changed and so I again choose to stay alcohol free. So piss off voice.

What helped was questioning why – why did I want that drink? How would it enhance or improve on my current experience?  What difference would it make to me or this situation? And the honest answer is not one bloody thing. It would change nothing, improve nothing so why would I? Really, why would I want to do it??

Yesterday my home was enveloped in a snow storm, my first one like it. Snow fell steadily and heavily, big snow flakes landed on me and I was quickly covered in them. I was outside relishing this moment with the joy we see in children [and dogs allowed to run free in it]. Coming inside I rang my mother to share it with her and said it’s the kind of day to be sitting back and watching nature with a nice wine in hand. Then I immediately asked Why, why the wine? What would that bring to the situation???? And nothing was the answer I  gave. So I laughed  it off.

Occasionally I struggle, I have difficult moments but when I look back even a little while later I see I got through it without really giving it to much attention.

So I’m still doing it. I’m doing it well, with ongoing strength and conviction.

I’m happy.

I’m 43 days free.

Love and Laughter



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