Yep, Sunday was the morning after the night before. Totally unexpected but I was reeling from the events of Saturday night. And nothing to do with alcohol, actually that’s not quite accurate. Alcohol was involved but indirectly not through the consumption of it.
I had an awards function with hubby [work related] on Saturday night. Formal evening, men in suits and ties and the ladies in the lovely dresses. Pre function drinks was where our group gathered. And that’s when it all hit me, everywhere I looked there was wine! Intense red of the pinot noir, the cheeky pink of the rose, the flutes with the fun bubbles and the divine Sav’s. I was surrounded by wine glasses full of wine, in front of me, walking past me, catching my eye. I wasn’t handling it, I did some major struggle and pissed off ness that I didn’t have. I wanted one, I really wanted one and got shitty over why couldn’t I have just one??????????? No one noticed my turmoil, this struggle was contained within and hidden behind the friendly smile and fun banter as we all caught up. I drank my sparkling cranberry and lime drink and as soon as I could made my way off to the ladies to catch my breath. Sitting down out came my phone and I madly emailed a message requesting support. For some unknown reason it wouldn’t go. [not so techno savvy??] so no sober support was forth coming. Back with the group I stayed on the fringes where there was room to breathe and wine not so obvious.
Finally it was time to move to the event of the evening itself and find our table. And there it was again. The wine. Bottles on the table, full bottles there for the glass filling as often as you like. Empty that bottle and the waiting staff will replace it no questions asked. Oh Lord, I was being tested this evening.
My drink of the evening, large glass of orange juice plus a small bottle of lemonade where upon I mixed it half and half in my wine glass. I was fine drinking that, it was refreshing and light. Sometimes I would catch myself out watching someone pour themselves another glass of wine and I would give that glass the steely eye.
But I made it. I survived the evening. I had fun, was very sociable and chatty, laughed and danced then drove home safely. I was free of any hang over symptoms in the morning. But I was reeling from all that emotion and turmoil from the night before, I felt shell shocked from how difficult I found the evening to begin with and over the struggle I went through. I was totally unprepared for it, for how I would feel. I honestly thought I’d be okay, I have been doing so well not drinking and not doing struggle over it that I was riding high in some ways. Well, my cloud burst and like Jack and Jill on the hill I came tumbling down.
And crazily it was all in my head. No one was aware and most didn’t even notice I wasn’t drinking alcohol. Those couple that did just laughed and said sober driver aye. Yep, sober driver. I didn’t make a big deal that I no longer drink alcohol, time will come when people will know but for now it’s okay. It’s my now normal and usually normal is just what it is and doesn’t need a song and dance made about it.
So whew, evening survived and survived very well. Looking back now I felt a little like I had failed or let myself down or just somehow I had got it wrong but actually I stayed strong, I stayed true and I stayed sober. I had a moment, a big scary moment I didn’t see coming but I carried on and I did it.
Amazing what our minds can do. So today has dawned with sunshine, snow on the ranges and that icy chill in the air. Fresh and new and wonderful. And that’s a reflection of me, new and fresh and wonderful.
Conference is next, 5 days on a tropical island with wine freely available and free. Most certainly my abstaining from drinking will be noticed and commented on, I can only imagine how. I will be prepared I hope for any reactions and feelings that may arise and I will walk away the winner again.
My life, my choice, my struggles, my courage, my growth, my health, my success.
So still doing it.
love and laughter