I’ve been doing so well, starting to think I’ve got this all in hand and it’s not an issue. I don’t drink any more and I’m cool with that.
But then Dearest Hubby has had a beer the last 3 nights. 2 he’s cracked open in front of me and 1 he left on the kitchen bench. Now I’m not normally much of a beer drinker but since I was first pregnant[years ago now] I have always loved that first mouthful of a newly opened bottle. So I’ve been doing some struggle over this. It would be so easy just to have that one mouthful. I am so very tempted, so VERY VERY tempted. My alcohol voice kicks in encouraging me to do so, won’t hurt, can’t do any harm, it’s only one, no big deal and so on and so on.
Trouble is though if I gave in would I be able to look myself in the mirror after. I sense not. And I don’t know if it would stop there, would I then decide to just for that one drink of wine and what then. I know what then, slowly maybe but very surely it’d be just one bottle, inner head discussions on how I can moderate, restrict to only one a week and from there I would find myself where I was 32 days ago.
No, I’m not having that.
And now I have to contend with conference coming up in a couple of weeks. Conference is for Hubby’s work and it’s always very well done. Nice accommodation, overseas, free time plus organised activities, good food, oh and plenty of free alcohol. I was doing really good with that side of it. Finding my focus and not stressing.
But, ah the but, I read the itinerary today and whilst on conference there is a bledisloe cup match. There is an evening set up as the group to watch it. In the past it’s usually been tiered seating with a big screen, takeaway type food and yep plenty of booze. And this is what I am stressing about, these events are so much fun to drink at. Having a wine [or a few] in a fun atmosphere with a neat group of people and watching the rugby, perfect.
So that’s when my ‘I’m all good this isn’t going to be an issue I don’t need to or want to drink and I’m not worrying about that I feel strong’ attitude and belief has gone into hiding. I just feel shit, can I do this, am I strong enough??? In giving up alcohol am I doing the right thing?
WOW, amazing how in a single moment my resolve develops cracks. How one little trigger can have such a big impact.
And so I ask myself exactly what do I think I am missing out on if I don’t drink. The rugby will still be the rugby and that atmosphere will be there. I can still have all of those things sober. I have the ability within myself to find it fun and to laugh and to get that atmosphere buzz without a wine in me.
I want to stay sober. Today, tomorrow and each day after. I want to stay sober.
And so this will pass. I trust this is just a moment and it will pass,
I am doing it, right now I am doing it.
I will be doing it where ever I am.
I am proud of myself and I am loving that feeling.
Hanging in there until my spirits rise up again and they will.
Love and Laughter