Yesterday I had a moment. I throw my toys out of the cot hissy fit melt down moment. And ironically it wasn’t because I wanted a drink. No, it was because I was doing struggle with my blog page, trying to set up a reply box. Can’t do it. It’s not that I anticipate getting replies and given how many blog sites there are I don’t even know how people would find mine anyway but I just want to be able to do it, to have that space where people can comment. Hell, all other blog sites have them. I’ve looked. Buggered if I can make it work. So I lost it, swore and gave up. Told myself how F***ing useless and dumb I am. Bloody waste of space, what the F was I thinking and why bother not drinking. I am so F***ing pathetic. So angry and frustrated with myself. Why can’t I bloody do it??????????? F***!! It’s amazing how much self recrimination and hate I fitted into that moment. I was amazed [when I calmed down] just how much depth of feeling I packed into a small moment.
It got me thinking. And these days I do a lot of thinking. I think [and mentally write my blog] when I am working round the house, out walking or even driving. I think so much about alcohol, what I have chosen to do and why. Bloody hell, did I think this much about it when I was indulging in my favourite wines??? I really don’t know.
Anyway, it got me thinking. Was I using alcohol [and junk food] as a way of not having to deal with my lack of self belief and with doing the belief I am basically useless and have no talents whatsoever to speak of. I mean I can’t even sort my bloody blog site out. Doing this blog is a good outlet to express to myself what’s going on in my head.
I have discovered, since I’m not giving up, that if I click on ABOUT on the blog page it lets me leave a comment there. So if anyone should read this and is blog savvy would you mind putting this techno dope out of her misery and tell me please how to fix this.
I had another moment today but not the meltdown kind. I had to go to a liquor shop to get a bottle of spirits for a mates 50th. Now normally this wouldn’t be an issue but upon realising I would have to go to the liquor shop I experienced a real pang. Of what I’m not sure, regret I’m not buying for me. I wouldn’t have thought so, I was never a liquor shop shopper. Buying wine was a standard part of the fortnightly [and the week in-between] grocery shop. But I was still nervous. I did it though and brought a very nice bottle of port for my port drinking friend. [well I assume it’s nice, I was mainly a wine and as a treat a Baileys girl]. But I really felt this pang and sadness that no one will be buying me special drink treats now. No fancy wines or the delectable bottle of Baileys. Regret.
I really can’t believe how much I think about these things. I don’t see myself as doing a serious problem here. In fact while I am thinking – that alcohol loving inner voice is presenting me with some very compelling arguments as to why there’s no harm in drinking again. Sure I stopped to lose weight [which by the way is not falling off me like I assumed] but I do wonder if losing weight is another support excuse – like doing dry July – to justify not drinking. I do feel so mixed up at times.
I am determined to find that positive spin. I do have a blog page and I’m loving this place to write. Comments can be left should anyone feel a desire to do so. Help is available out there somewhere to work it all out. I am 18 days doing without alcohol.
I am doing it.
I am finding my way.
Love and laughter