Whew, my mind is an excited jumble of things I am thinking and want to say and now that I’m here it’s all jammed up at the portal between mind and keyboard to screen.
I’ve been doing lots of thinking and analysing and reading and have had some bummed out moments combined with plenty of AhHa moments. See, here’s the thing – right now I’m not trying to go without alcohol. I am in fact 17 days into going without so I am already doing that and with some success [lets not focus on the challenges that has posed] so what I am doing is trying to maintain my alcohol free status. And that’s where things have become tricky, I had no idea I would do this much struggle. Seriously I thought I would find it a breeze to do dry July. I saw myself as breezing through with confidence, ease and that wonderful virtuous self righteous feeling that comes with doing something like this. Yeah, Nah. Not what it’s been like at all. I’ve done angst over not drinking and maybe – definitely – never EVER drinking alcohol again. I’ve mourned never trying that new wine that appears right in my view whilst grocery shopping [ really, can’t they put the booze in an out the main shopping way instead of where you have to pass by it]. I’ve struggled with the I want a drink and now I’m never going to have one again. And it’s only day 17!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To quote Mrs D – Shitballs!!!!
I’ve been reading some other online blogs and am currently reading Lotta Dan’s book ‘Mrs D is going without’. And I think to myself I’m not that bad [no judgement intended]. I don’t drink that much and actually I mainly wanted to stop drinking as it was counter productive to my weight loss goal. That was the main reason, right???
See, here’s the second thing…… if I’m not that bad and only did it to lose weight why then do I feel at times they are writing about me? Why then do I feel I can so easily relate to a lot of what they are saying and feeling. I am not an alcoholic and I can easily moderate. So am I being melodramatic even blogging about going without?
So I think time for a reality check list: 1. do I ever wake up in the wee hours full of self recrimination and regret formulating plans to not drink tomorrow night? tick yes. 2. Do I ever worry that I am drinking way to much and in fact do shame over how much I drink? tick yes 3. Do I find it hard to just stop at one or two? tick yes. 4. at some social functions recently have I been the only one drinking and I can’t stop it which embarrasses me? tick yes. 5. was my desire for a wine starting earlier than the traditional 5pm wine o’clock hour. tick yes.
I need to stop there. I’ve reread it and I can’t add anymore. If that doesn’t spell problem then I’m a monkey’s uncle. Shit, I don’t want to be doing that and I don’t want to be that person and what I see happening is a situation worsening and at any given point could really spiral out of control. Shit and hell. How did that happen???
Oh come on, I’ve known for ages I’m heading somewhere I don’t want to go but denial is a beautiful thing. I am grateful that I found the strength to carry out what I know I needed to be doing. I am grateful that at the time I made that decision Mrs D aired on TV. It’s like spirit/universe heard me and gave me a lifeline and I reached out and grabbed it with both hands.
I love wine, sav blanc being my favourite but I also do love a rose. I had found a pinot gri and a Riesling I was keen to become more fond of. And I was planning to treat myself by buying a bottle of Moet Rose – ahhh what a delectable treat that was to be. And now I will never ever have that Moet. Perhaps a good thing because it is really expensive. So I love a drink of wine. I love that warm buzzy feeling I get, how it ‘makes’ me worthwhile and funny and witty and wonderful and so capable of changing the world. I miss that buzz and I think that’s what I want when I want a drink, that warm buzz. But, and yep there’s a but or I wouldn’t be here blogging, I like it to much and I need it more than I want it. And needing it is bad.
So, day 17 and doing it.
love and laughter